© 2016 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M. World Rights Reserved.
Let’s be honest about why you are late. Not only is this a quietly hot topic, and a cause of stress, but it also has been studied by many who are seeking solutions. In Upbeat Living we eliminate as many stress causes as possible. So we need to be clear that most people like to be on-time and are secretly angry when others are late. But sometimes the most careful planners are also late. There are a number of causes and solutions.
I first started thinking about lateness, when, as a child, I realized I knew one chronically late adult person (CLP) and one chronically early adult person (CEP). I noticed the CLP would go to everything 20 minutes late, thus—I finally realized—reducing the unpleasant event by 20 minutes each time. That’s a savings of 200 minutes across 10 events. The CLP would answer the phone, knowing that we should have left 10 minutes ago, thus ensuring that the 5 minute call made us 15 minutes late. But then it was “time to change clothes!” Sometimes, we got to the car door, and the CLP heard the house phone, unlocked the house and went back in, to answer it. Pleading made no difference. It was agreed to set the clocks forward 20 minutes, to help the CLP, but of course, the CLP knew about the 20 minute “grace period” and still was late. It was part of the game, to cut short the time given to the thing the CLP actually wanted to avoid. The CEP liked to arrive early by at least 20 minutes, which served wonderfully for medical and business appointments. However, it caused an embarrassing strain for party hosts.
Chronically late people (CLPs) like to joke:
Being on time never killed anyone, but why take a chance?
I learned a strict view of lateness in a personal development course called Omega Vector Training. The leaders viewed lateness as something unnecessary, which you had created, to sabotage yourself. At the beginning of the course, you committed to be on time for sessions. “On time” was clearly defined as “in your seat, ready to listen and participate”. A one-minute piece of music was played to signal “move to your seats”. Neither stomach flu nor a flat tire was an excuse; these were seen as factors you had created. Participants not in their seats at the last chord of the music got to stand in front of everyone and be processed about their lateness. I learned that when we agree to an appointment, we are setting a verbal contract, and keeping it shows respect for both the party we are meeting and for ourselves.
Let’s ask ourselves: if we are late, is it possibly because we don’t really want to do that thing, or because we are afraid of something about that thing? Is it too many people, too much noise, people who are too important, or too much potential conflict? Might we be called upon to stand up and stand out to a degree we are uncomfortable with? Did that agreement get made for a time of day when our metabolism really can’t go at a reasonable speed (i.e., a breakfast meeting)? Looking at all the times we were ever late, if we’re honest, what were the causes? Could one cure be to change the way we make our agreements? Make notes for yourself with all your answers to these questions.
Would we be happier if we were always on time? Would our relationships be better? You choose. And that’s Upbeat Living!
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Next time, we’ll discuss more causes, effects, and cures for lateness. Meantime, please keep sending your comments on lateness to kebba@kebba.com. Thanks!
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Energy – Peace – Meditation
- Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert. She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within: Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition. Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office. Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com.
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Healthy Happy Loving Life! 
Interesting insights, Kebba. As you can imagine, I encounter late people every Sunday. Some are chronic. Others occasional. It used to irate me to the point I would preach on it. But a older, wiser, preacher mentor of mine, smiled and said, “Ken, be thankful they come at all.” Probably not the best solution for all situations, but it works for me with church services!
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Ken, yes, and their behavior says a lot more about their issues than your offerings (services, classes, programs, counseling…). Hopefully, like most, they feel bad about being late, and having taken in part of your service, they will think, hey, maybe I would enjoy getting here for more of it next time; I’ll push myself. Thanks so much for reading my piece and sharing your thoughts.
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Well… making me stand in the front to “process my lateness,” especially if I was sick or had a flat tire would be the last thing that happened before they never saw me again in that class. However, it is quite possible I don’t really want to go. I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I never completely & fully, 100%, want to go anywhere! But I do often “mostly” want to go, and those are the times I make an effort to be on time. And I believe that in any situation where you are hoping to help someone become more aware of self-defeating behavior, gentleness is called for, not shaming.
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Jeanine, I’m with you about shaming. You may know that guilt and shame trash the parasympathetic nervous symptom in a number of factors for a number of hours. No emotion weakens the system like shame, which is probably why so many use shame/embarrassment/humiliation to control others, from students to political prisoners. I found value in the Omega Vector Training so stuck it out, but I turned away after an instructor shouted at me, because he didn’t hear me correctly executing an instruction; the whole class gasped; he had turned away, just as I started to do exactly what he asked. I would have walked out then, but they had cleverly tied each person’s participation to a partner’s participation. So if I left, my partner (assigned at the opening of the training) would have had to leave right then, also. I certainly never went back for more training, and I never recommended it again. I also don’t agree with the OV viewpoint that EVERYTHING is your creation. Much is influenced by other people’s “creations” at the moment you have an opposite intention. Maybe that’s an upcoming article. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
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Oh, that would be a very interesting article, Kebba!!
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Jeanine, then I will write it! Been thinking about it for years, and often explain it to clients. Thanks for the encouragement!
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I tend more to being the CEP…but I know not to show up at a social event early (unless asked)!! LOL It drives me completely crazy when people are late, especially when it keeps me from being on time. I’m not sure I completely agree that being late signals not wanting to do whatever it is one is late for; however, there is some element of control or something causing the lateness.
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Cindy, I’m so with you! Hard to cover all the possibilities in a 600-word article. Also, some factors we will never know about, like the last-minute call from a relative saying a loved one has terminal cancer. We can just do our best to behave with grace and treat people with kindness and understanding. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
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