Healthy Happy Loving Life: Handling Contempt

Tags

changing your channel, contempt, friendships, Healthy Happy Loving Life, Journaling, Relationships, social satisfaction

© 2022 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

Image by megapixl

Over coffee,  a friend related a remarkable recent interaction she had with someone’s contempt.  She was at an event, chatting with a friendly acquaintance she had known and admired for many years.  Suddenly, she realized the friend was speaking to her with clipped disdain and narrowed, “steely” eyes.  He clearly disliked her and held her in contempt! He expressed complete disrespect for her professional worth and work.  My friend has long admired this man and his work, and she has often chimed in when his name came up in conversation, when people spoke of how valuable his work was.  She has referred clients to him.  She liked him, until this moment of sudden realization. She had no idea what was going on– clearly something behind the scenes.  She was shocked to realize the intensity of his disdain for her, and his willingness to express it in public!  While she knew she had never done anything to the colleague or made negative remarks about him, he had formulated very negative views and feelings about her.  She was tempted to feel terrible.  Wisely, she left the room for awhile, then chatted with others until the end of the event.

Image by megapixl

I congratulated my friend on leaving the room, shifting the energy, and thereby changing her channel.  If the man hates her, she doesn’t owe it to him to take in more of his hatred.   I asked her if she had done a few complete breaths, exhaling first.  She said yes, that was her second strategy, and it felt good!  Later, either journaling or hitting the treadmill would also help discharge her emotions about the negative encounter.

So what about the best ongoing strategies?   If people have been making up negative stories to tell this man, and that is why he has been so negative to my friend, there is little she can do to counter those stories.  Making up stories is a time-honored human habit.  It is so common it is even mentioned in the Bible.  Rather than trying to dig into the cause of the negativity, it is much better for her to be her best self and let her accomplishments and true character shine.  People adjust quickly to positive changes we make.  Even those who held negative beliefs about us can forget those when they have new, positive experiences with us.

My friend plans to steer clear of the colleague as much as possible, stop referring clients to him, (certainly!) and keep the most positive thoughts and friends.  She wisely believes she cannot control anyone else, their thoughts, or their comments.  But she can control where she puts her attention and energy.  And besides, there are about 7 BILLION other people on the Planet for future friendship and business.  She doesn’t need this one person.

So in awkward situations, make your best call: is it worth any time or energy to even respond?  Only you can control where you put your attention and energy. And that will be you, too, ever more Healthy Happy and Loving Life^sm!

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Kebba Buckley Button is a stress/energy management expert, holistic healer, and award-winning author who celebrates life.  She has a longtime natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. Among her books are: Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), Inspirations for Peace Within:  Quotes and Images to Uplift and Inspire, and Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine.  The books are available on Amazon and through Kebba’s office.   They are also available in Scottsdale, Arizona, at the Franciscan Renewal Center bookstore and at the bookstore at St. Barnabas on the Desert Episcopal Church. Or simply email us to order:  kebba@kebba.com .  Thank you!

Books by Kebba Buckley Button

 

UpBeat Living: Can You Be Pleasant When They’re Rude?

Tags

choices, difficult people, friendships, Relationships, Rudeness, stress

© 2014 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Fotolia

Can you hold the High Ground of Graciousness when others are being rude?  It depends on how high you think the stakes are.  Unpleasant people are an unfortunate fact of life.  They are not fun. They make us wince.  They cause our stomachs to knot up.  They sometimes try to generate conflict.  But now and then we have to deal with these people.  It’s crucial to be as congenial as you can be with them as well as with the sometimes-awful situations they can create.  You never know who is listening and how many years they will remember how you handled it.

 

The importance of being pleasant was brought home to me following a particular gathering of a cooking club to which I belonged.  For some reason, I couldn’t go that night, which may have been a good thing.  What happened became legendary to the club members. The club always cooked to a theme, and people would bring all the dishes, prepared, to the host’s home.  The host or hostess always coordinated the dishes well ahead of time.

 

This particular night, an hour into the meal, a notoriously late member of the group arrived.  He had not said he wanted to come, and all the dishes were arranged for.  This friend had brought some fresh seafood, which was irrelevant to the evening’s theme.  The hostess, wanting to be…pleasant, let this friend come in and participate.  One of the more expressive members asked why Mr. Seafood should be allowed to join the evening and asserted he should leave.  Mr. Seafood prepared his dish in the hostess’s kitchen from scratch, while the group moved on to dessert, according to the original plan.  In escalating tones, Mr. Expressive told Mr. Seafood that he should respect the group more and abide by the agreements: reserve ahead, prepare the dish in his own kitchen, and arrive on time, prepared.  Other voices began to rise.

 

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 

 ~ Edmund Burke

 

Most agreed with Mr. Expressive in principle, and they were tired of Mr. Seafood behaving as he does, and had done for years.  However, they began to tell Mr. Expressive that it was best to be pleasant.  No one wanted outright strife.  Then voices were raised on this point.  Two people actually tried the seafood dish during dessert.  Raised voices turned to hurt feelings.  One couple said it was simply unacceptable to air unpleasant thoughts like this at a social gathering.  Mr. Expressive said, but he was right.  [And I was in strong agreement with his points, while different people were telling me later about the evening’s events.]  Topping off the situation, the two who had tried the seafood dish got food poisoning from it.  The outcome was that Mr. Expressive lost respect and friends, and the group never met again.  The stress of outright conflict was too uncomfortable for the group.

 

A client shared a related story with me.  For a time, in an HOA situation, there was a neighbor who was especially critical of much of what went on with the community.  She would send verbally violent emails to Board members and neighbors, wildly angry about the gate needing repairs or the dumpsters being too full.  Online or in person, she would exclaim, “UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!”  Neighbors stopped responding to her emails, ignored her at Board meetings, and gradually steered away from her altogether.  She lost all her social equity, all her influence in the community, and all of what could have been friendships with many fine neighbors.  There is a level of blatant aggression and conflict that is simply too stressful for people, so they turn away.

 

The next time you find yourself with people expressing unpleasantly, be as pleasant as you can be, or remove yourself, if possible.  Laugh and make light remarks.  Be the one who breaks the tension if you have those skills. Even if you agree with the aggressor’s points, don’t join the tension, if you can avoid it.  You can always talk with the aggressor later, after things have cooled off.  To enjoy your relationships the most, smile and be easygoing.  You’re the one who will be invited back.  You’re the one who will keep the relationships.

________________________________________________________________

 

● Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc).  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Liked this article?  You can buy Kebba’s books:  just click the links!

• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 
• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Please comment!

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● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

 

 

 

 

 

 

UpBeat Living: Assuming

Tags

assuming, Assumptions, friendships, Gossip, Relationships, stress, UpBeat Living

© 2014  Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Fotolia

Have you ever caught yourself assuming something you have no way of knowing?  A lot of gossip comes from, well, nothing. It’s human nature to fill in the blanks when curious about something.  But we need to take care we are neither consumed by our natural curiosity nor creating problems for someone with our assumptions and chatter.  Today, I’m  using only stories from my  direct experience, so  we can make the least and smallest assumptions.

 

Here’s a relatively harmless example  of damage created by assumptions, at a business networking meeting.  To get the dynamics, you need to know that I only ever eat small meals.  This particular group always has a buffet, so it’s interesting to see what people choose to put on their plates.  However, normally, members never comment on what others are eating.  This one day, an unusually fine-boned, thin (as in, no one is thinner) and athletic member took a massive interest in my lunch plate.

 

She asked me loudly, “[I]s that all you’re going to eat?”  I hate becoming the center of attention for something so trivial, but I replied pleasantly, “[O]h, I never eat much.”  At the same moment, this woman finished taking the food she wanted, and turning out of the buffet line, she said  even more loudly, to the room,“[O]h!  She’s on a diet!!”  To make that statement, she had to be assuming that I felt overweight and wanted to lose pounds, and further that I was choosing food reduction as a means of losing pounds. I did not enjoy the flash realization that my “friend” thought I was overweight.  Nor did I enjoy her telling the entire group that I was overweight and had decided to diet, to lose weight.  Was she trying to embarrass me?  We’ll never know, and I don’t want to assume.

 

In part, I felt humiliated. I also saw this could escalate into a group discussion, as others started peering at my plate and considering what the thin woman was saying.  I matched the thin woman’s volume and said calmly to the room, “I’m not on a diet.  I never eat much.  Don’t make stuff up!”  Interestingly, the woman kept moving, without even looking at me again, let alone apologizing.

Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

~ Miguel Angel Ruiz

 

Occasionally, someone’s brain fills in blanks with assumptions about us, where there are no facts, or the facts are the complete opposite of the resulting assumptions.  In this kind of case, great harm can result.  One year, I went to a New Year’s Eve singles party with a group of single friends.  I drink almost no alcohol, because alcohol makes me tired.  So I had only had 2 sips of champagne at midnight, enjoying the ritual of welcoming in the New Year.  Otherwise, I drank water all evening; we also danced for hours.  I felt great.  One friend got so drunk that at 12:15 am, the rest of us that came together, all 6, walked her to her car and repeatedly offered, in different ways, to drive her home.

 

Oddly, the drunk friend kept inquiring if each of us was okay to drive.  She was clearly assuming we had all been drinking alcohol, since she had been.  In the course of our extended conversation, trying to convince her to let us drive her home, she turned her concern to me.  I replied that, no, I was fine, I had had only had 2 sips of champagne.  The next day, I received a 6-minute voicemail from the previous night’s drunk friend, condemning me for drinking so heavily!  In serious and angry tones, her rant let me know how low a human I was.  She said if I wanted to abuse my body by drinking heavily and hurting my brain and liver, that was one thing.  However, she said- now in passionately angry tones- that if I wanted to drink heavily like that and then drive, that was another thing and inexcusable behavior!  She said I was taking other people’s lives in my hands by drinking and driving.

 

I returned her call and tried to talk with her. But she was completely committed to the idea that I was the drunk and dangerous one.  I gave up my friendship with her.  Several years later, she decided I had gotten over my Problem and let me know she had forgiven me!  I still avoid her.  Her assumptions consumed our relationship.  The damage was done.

 

What do you believe about people and situations?  How much of your belief system about each friend or colleague is based on fact, and how much on imagination?  If you are disturbed by someone’s behavior, is your discomfort based on actual interaction?  Or is it based on your ideas about why they said and did what they said and did?  When you are frustrated by a situation, try writing down what you actually know, what you guess, and what came from rumors.  Eliminate the guessing for a clearer picture, and try starting fresh.  Also, say nothing unless you know it’s fact.  Will you let assuming consume you?  It’s up to you.

________________________________________________________________

● Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc).  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Liked this article?  You can buy Kebba’s books:  just click the links!

• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 
• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Please comment!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

 

 

UpBeat Living: Rabbitt’s Legacy

Tags

at choice, choices, Effective living, friendships, happy, Kebba, legacy, Relationships

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Rabbitt Burns died at the hands of a friend, in January 2010, in Orange City, Florida. Everyone agreed that Rabbitt was a kind woman that everyone liked. When she failed to show up for her library job one morning, coworkers said she was too dependable to skip work without calling in.  A colleague went to her home and found her on the floor, shot.  Police observed that breakfast for two was on the table and Rabbitt’s laptop was missing.  Tracing the laptop, they found Rabbitt’s ex-boyfriend with it.

Rabbitt’s death hits me in different ways each time I think of her. More memories of different wonderful experiences with her keep bubbling up.  I keep thinking of a profound little poem, “The Dash”, by Linda Ellis.  The poem takes a look at the way our years are marked on a gravestone.  Most often, the years of birth and death, with a dash between them, are right under the name of the deceased.  Ellis say basically that it is neither the birth year nor the year of death that is most important.  Rather, it’s the dash between.  It’s the way you lived your life.  Abraham Lincoln expressed something similar, when he said, “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Now you may think I am going to wax eloquent about one’s accomplishments in life, the degrees, the honors, the acts, the things one did.  I am not.  I want to tell you why so many people miss Rabbitt Burns, and why we will remember her with great love and joy for many years:  Rabbitt honored everyone.  It wasn’t what Rabbitt did that made her extraordinary.  It was who she was and how she related to everyone.  Rabbitt was kind and attentive.  She spoke to each person with a loving regard, often asking thoughtful questions.  She intelligently treated each person as though s/he were precious and she was fortunate to be spending time with them.  She seemed limitlessly supportive to friends in unhappy times.  I have heard her talking to strangers on a CB radio, kindly asking them how their day was going and if they had a long drive ahead.  I will long remember her light, sweet tone in signing off, almost singing, “It was sure nice talkin’ to y’all.”  Their 18-wheeler pulled up beside our little car briefly, and the two men in the cab waved warmly before going on their way.  Rabbitt had transformed their trip with her extraordinary gentle warmth.  Will people remember you that way?

What will people say about each of us when we have just died?  Perhaps it depends on the qualities we choose to embrace and live out as we fill out that dash between birth certificate and death certificate.  Rabbitt Burns, it was sure nice talkin’ to y’all!

———————————————

● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Energy of Your Gates and Gateways

Tags

at choice, choices, Effective living, energy, friendships, fulfilled, goals, grateful, Gratitude, Kebba, Mental equivalents

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Photo from Travel-Spot.com

Where is the most beautiful gate you’ve ever seen?  Was it modern or ancient?  What was it made of?  Was it the gate to a home, or a hotel entry gate?  Was it a vintage City entry gate?  What purposes did it serve?  How did you feel as you gazed at that gate?  There are a number of ways in which gates can serve us.

Gates are used mainly for security, to impress, or to commemorate something.  Most gates are designed to filter something, such as entrance gates for movie theaters, or the gate to a yard.  Paris has one of the world’s most famous gates, the Arc de Triomphe, a commemorative monument to those who served and/or died in the defense of France, in the French Revolutionary War and the Napoleonic War.

The most distinctive gate I have ever seen is the Stargate from the movie and TV show of the same name.  An ornate circle of “nahquadah” perhaps 20 feet across, the Stargate filters people and other living beings who want to be transferred quickly between planets.  People jump into its circumference, and they are conveyed instantly.  When the Stargate is switched off, no one can come in through it.  It conveys the good guys and prevents the enemy from arriving.

Now consider the gate to your yard.  It allows you ingress and egress for people and packages, and it keeps out some people and dogs you might not want straying into your yard.  In Feng Shui, your gate has energetics, which vary by its placement and its appearance.  It is important to keep your gate in good repair, and to keep it lovely, if possible.  Look at the next two pictures, which show the pieces of an old gate and then the gate after repair.

Photo by Kebba Buckley Button

Which gate would you rather have?  Which is more pleasing?  Which one has better energy?  Obviously, the “after” gate is more pleasing and has better energy.  That one will help energize your yard.  It will draw in great energy, perhaps vitality, great relationships, and prosperity.

One more level: what about your mental gateways?  How effectively do they protect your Inner Peace?  What are your mental gateways allowing in?  Are they welcoming vitality, great relationships, and prosperity?  Over time, you have learned to filter negative thoughts and not allow negative people to disturb your mental/emotional/spiritual peace. No doubt you are always learning better how to do this.  So on the flip side, what are you attracting?  Would you like to learn a simple exercise to attract more?

Photo by Kebba Buckley Button

Today, design your Lifegate and install it in your mind.  Imagine a beautiful gate, perhaps surrounded by lush plantings, or attached to a lovely wall made of stone.  Make your gate of any material you like.  Look in magazines, in Google Images, and in photo calendars for ideas.  You can always adjust your gate later, in materials, height, width, thickness and color(s).  When you have settled on your intial Lifegate, sit quietly for a few minutes, twice per day, and picture the energies you want flowing into your life through your gateway.  Picture vitality entering.  Picture your vitality arriving, then your prosperity, then any other qualities or energies you would like to have flowing in.  Be in touch with your gratitude, which will strongly support the good conditions flowing in…and staying.  Call up the mental image of your Lifegate often, see it in vivid detail, and see the flow you want coming in through it.  See the gate shut to negativity and takers.

It’s your Lifegate.  You are in charge.  Maintain all the gates of your life for the Highest and Best.  What will give you the best energy and the most of the life you want?  It’s up to you.

______________________________________________________________

● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Being Pleasant to the Unpleasant

Tags

Anger, Effective living, friendships, Kebba, Pleasant, Pleasantness, Relationships, social satisfaction, stress, Unpleasant

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Unpleasant people are an unfortunate fact of life.  They are not fun. They make us wince.  They cause our stomachs to knot up.  They sometimes try to generate conflict.  But now and then we have to deal with these people.  It’s crucial to be as congenial as you can be with them as well as with the sometimes-awful situations they can create.  The importance of being pleasant was brought home to me following a particular gathering of a cooking club to which I belonged.

For some reason, I couldn’t go that night, which may have been a good thing.  What happened became legendary to the club members. The club always cooked to a theme, and people would bring all the dishes, prepared, to the host’s home.  The host or hostess always coordinated the dishes well ahead of time.  This particular night, an hour into the meal, a notoriously late member of the group arrived.  He had not said he wanted to come, and all the dishes were arranged for.  This friend had brought some fresh seafood, which was irrelevant to the evening’s theme.  The hostess, wanting to be…pleasant, let this friend come in and participate.  One of the more expressive members asked why Mr. Seafood should be allowed to join the evening and asserted he should leave.  Mr. Seafood prepared his dish in the hostess’s kitchen from scratch, while the group moved on to dessert, according to the original plan.  In escalating tones, Mr. Expressive told Mr. Seafood that he should respect the group more and abide by the agreements: reserve ahead, prepare the dish in his own kitchen, and arrive on time, prepared.  Other voices began to rise.

Most agreed with Mr. Expressive in principle, and they were tired of Mr. Seafood behaving as he does, and had done for years.  However, they began to tell Mr. Expressive that it was best to be…pleasant.  No one wanted outright strife.  Then voices were raised on this point.  Two people actually tried the seafood dish during desert.  Raised voices turned to hurt feelings.  One couple said it was simply unacceptable to air unpleasant thoughts like this at a social gathering.  Mr. Expressive said, but he was right.  [And I was in strong agreement with him, in principle, while different people were telling me later about the evening’s events.]  Topping off the situation, the two who had tried the seafood dish got food poisoning from it.  The outcome was that the group never met again.  The stress of outright conflict was too uncomfortable for the group.

For a time, in an HOA situation, there was a neighbor who was especially critical of much of what went on with the community.  She would send verbally violent emails to Board members and neighbors, wildly angry about the gate needing repairs or the dumpsters being too full.  Online or in person, she would exclaim, “UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!”  Neighbors stopped responding to her emails, ignored her at Board meetings, and gradually steered away from her altogether.  She lost all her social equity, all her influence in the community, and all of what could have been friendships with many fine neighbors.  There is a level of blatant aggression and conflict that is simply too stressful for people, so they turn away.

The next time you find yourself with people expressing unpleasantly, be as pleasant as you can be, or remove yourself, if possible.  Laugh and make light remarks.  Be the one who breaks the tension if you have those skills. Even if you agree with the aggressor’s points, don’t join the tension, if you can avoid it.  You can always talk with the aggressor later, after things have cooled off.  To enjoy your relationships the most, smile and be easygoing.  You’re the one who will be invited back.

_____________________________________________________________

● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Life Bats You… in a Different Direction

Tags

adjusting to change, energy, Feeling energized, friendships, fulfilled, grateful, healing, Kebba, living beyond, making changes, moving on, Relationships, stress tips

Photo by http://www.livelifehappy.com

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Think of the top 3 disappointing events you’ve had in life.  Maybe you were in a relationship you believed in, and suddenly it was over.  How about the time you had your heart set on a job, you knew you were the prime candidate, and you didn’t get it?  Then there was that friend who suddenly cut you off, with a weird reason or no reason.  Remember how much that hurt?

Enter, the Pinball Machine Theory of Life.

Sometimes, it’s like you are the ball on a pinball game board.  After the token goes into the machine, and the spring launcher is pulled and released, the ball zips up the slope of the game board.  Sometimes, like the pinball, you are racing up the board of life thinking you are definitely headed in a certain direction.  The right direction, surely.  Then you get hit with a flipper.  Ow!  For a moment, you don’t even know what your new direction is, right?  You’re just reverberating with the impact of the flipper (ow!), feeling the pain, and trying to get your bearings again.  Then you begin collecting yourself, look up, and see what unintended direction you are now headed in.  Yikes!  This is a new direction!  Not what the plan was!

Now let’s talk about that major relationship change.  Grammy-Award winning musician Garth Brooks has a powerful song called, “Thank God for Unanswered Prayers.”  In the song, he tells of being at a football game with his wife and seeing the woman he dated in high school.  Back then, he used to pray for that relationship every night.  By the time he saw his old flame again, he realized he would not be in the amazing relationship he was in with his wife, had the relationship with his old flame worked out.  So now he is massively grateful for the passing of that old relationship.  He was redirected on the Pinball Machine of Life, and now he is deeply glad.

Now, that perfect job you didn’t get—what changes would that have created in your life?  Changes that would have prevented something great that then did happen?  Here’s an example from this writer’s life:  20 years ago, she flew to Denver for a pre-hiring interview with an international company.  Having done projects with the CEO of the Colorado Division, she knew it was only a matter of negotiating the position and salary.  In Denver, she scoped out where to rent an apartment and what moving arrangements would be involved.  But when she called the man who was to interview her, he said he would call back in 20 minutes and never did. He never managed to meet with her during the 5 days she was there.  When the CEO asked how her conversations with the interviewer went, she told him they never even met.  The CEO said, “but I thought it was a pre-hiring interview?’  She said, “yes, I thought so, too.”  She never heard from the company again.  It was a bitter disappointment that hurt for many months.  Now, however, she sees that she would never have met and married her husband, had she been given the job in Denver.  She was redirected for a powerful reason.

As to a friend who suddenly cut you off, let’s put it in perspective and then give thanks.  Recently, a client was suddenly dropped as a friend because she declined a vacuum cleaner demonstration.  That’s right.  She politely declined an emailed request, due to an extreme work schedule.  Also, she did not know the friend-of-a-friend-of a friend that she would be helping by giving 2 hours for a demonstration of a product she could not afford.  The inviter then sent an attack email, assaulting the client’s integrity and spirituality.  The client called the inviter’s wife to ask if she felt the same way.  The wife said she would call back.  Immediately the inviter emailed the client again, nastily saying she must not go behind his back to talk to his wife, and best she not contact either of them again.  Did the client really want to be friends with people who would go ballistic over small matters?  Reconsidering a number of past hints of the nature of these “friends”, the client sadly let these friendships go.  Since, she has come to be glad they are no longer in her life.  Now she has more time for more compatible friends.  She was redirected for powerful reasons.

If you are a person of faith, remember this timeless truth [Romans 8:28]:  “We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him…”  When the flippers hit you, you are being directed for powerful purposes, by a wisdom greater than our own.  Do your best to deal with the hurt.  Then embrace the new opportunities that are arriving.  Be the happy and grateful pinball.

_______________________________________________________________

● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Top Tips for Retorts

Tags

Anger, choices, energy, exhausted, fatigue, friendships, Insults, Nasty people, Negativity, Retorts, stress, Upset

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

This column focuses on assisting people in getting the most joy and satisfaction out of life, even improved health and less aging.  One of the main ways to leverage life from what you have to what you want is to stop managing stress sources and manage your energy instead.  Difficult people are a very common source of stress.  They can totally suck your energy and leave you exhausted and frustrated– if you let them.  How to deal with them is the subject of some columns here and a number of books.  Knowing exactly what to say to them is an art.  To respond quickly and effectively to difficult and nasty comments is an important skill set.   If you are one of those people with a fast wit, who always has a funny quip to break the  tension, great!  However, if not, and if you want to feel good instead of hurt, distracted, and tired in these situations, here are some top tips to use for retorts.

Tip #1.  For a quick insult or nasty comment, don’t react at all.  A person who walks up and says something rude to you is trying to get a rise from you.  We often have the illusion that telling them how exactly they have offended or hurt us will somehow cause them to change.  Remember “assertiveness”, circa 1985? That’s a waste of time with someone who is trying to hurt you.  Telling them how you feel will only satisfy them and increase their approaches.  Assume they will never change, or at least that changing them is not your personal mission.  Observe your blood pressure rising and your stomach and other muscles tightening while you are around this person.  This is hurting your health, your stomach lining, and your blood pressure.  This in turn erodes the integrity of your kidney valves and enlarges your heart.  Does this person have the right to do that to you?  No.  What will work best for your energy management?  Perhaps simply turning away.  And no cheating with a derisive expression—look neutral, as though the person never spoke.  Don’t give them energy.

Tip #2.   To respond to a quick verbal assault, with a cheerful smile on your face, say something extremely short and globally pleasant, such as, “Well, bless your heart!”  Then walk away with a pleasant smile still on your face.

Tip #3.  If the person has just made you the butt of a joke in front of others, with a cheerful smile on your face, and possibly a little laugh, say, “Isn’t it wonderful we all have such a great sense of humor!”  Then quietly walk away.  No flouncing!  No making faces other than pleasant neutrality.  If you think they were trying to humiliate you, they were.  If you can pretend you found the humiliating circumstance funny, do that, laugh, and again, walk away, because you are very busy and need to get to your next meeting/deadline/appointment.  If you laugh with the person, they get no satisfaction and they will try again.  They may act like you are clueless and failed to get the put-down. In this case, they will say, “Oh (Name)!  You’re so funny!”  Then your best line is one of non-resistance: “I know!  I’m a very funny wo/man!”  At this point, if you are a very good actress/actor, you can really drive your attacker—and that is what the person is—crazy by continuing to stand with the group for another minute or two, smiling and being apparently perfectly comfortable.

Tip #4.  If you must see this person regularly, at work, at your social organization, at family events, or at school/training, keep it light, cheerful, and brief with them whenever you must cross paths.  Others are dealing with the same issues with this person, so you have silent support.  If it’s an instructor, switch to another section or take the class at another campus.  Eventually, his/her classes will be so small that he/she will no longer be hired as an instructor there.

You have a right to lead a healthy and happy life. Be brief in dealing with anything negative. Soon, you will notice your stamina rising and your true cheer taking over. Why not go for it?

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— Comments welcome!–

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Assuming Consumes

Tags

Assumptions, choices, friendships, holiday stress, Kebba, Relationships, social satisfaction, stress

Photo by Jessica Thomas

© 2011, Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Do you ever catch yourself assuming something not in evidence?  Yesterday, I was going over some details of a column with a colleague I was going to quote.  I described the circular communion rail in Fr. Jim Clark’s church, assuming it had become circular during a recent massive remodel of the east end of the sanctuary.  Fr. Jim kindly brought me up to speed, letting me know that the circular design has been in place for many years.  I was only in the church, St. Barnabas Episcopal Church, once before the remodel, and that was for a funeral.  When I was there for the funeral, I was sad and crying and preoccupied with concern for the bereaved family.  My brain simply did not record the fact that there was a circular communion rail.  So, some years later, my brain simply made it up that the communion rail became circular during the remodel finished this year.  In this case, no harm done.

Occasionally, someone’s brain fills in blanks with assumptions about us, where there are no facts, or the facts are the opposite of the resulting assumptions.  In this kind of case, great harm can result.  One year, I went to a New Year’s Eve singles party with a group of single friends.  I drink very little, because alcohol makes me tired.  So I had only had 2 sips of champagne at midnight, enjoying the ritual of welcoming in the New Year.  Otherwise, I drank water all evening; we also danced for hours.  I felt great.  One friend got so drunk that at 12:15 am, the rest of us, all 6, walked her to her car and repeatedly offered, in different ways, to drive her home.  Oddly, the drunk friend kept inquiring if each of us was okay to drive.  In the course of our extended conversation, trying to convince her to let us drive her home, she turned her concern to me; I replied that, no, I was fine, I had had only had 2 sips of champagne.  The next day, I received a 6-minute voicemail from the previous night’s drunk friend, condemning me for drinking so heavily!  In serious and angry tones, her rant let me know how low a human I was.  She said if I wanted to abuse my body by drinking heavily and hurting my brain and liver, that was one thing.  However, she said- now in passionately angry tones- that if I wanted to drink heavily like that and then drive, that was another thing and inexcusable behavior!  I tried to talk with her, but she was completely committed to the idea that I was the drunk and dangerous one.  I gave up my friendship with her.  Several years later, she decided I had gotten over my Problem and let me know she had forgiven me!  I still avoid her.  Her assumptions consumed our relationship.

What do you believe about people and situations?  How much of your belief system about each friend or colleague is based on fact, and how much on imagination?  If you are disturbed by someone’s behavior, is your discomfort based on actual interaction?  Or is it based on your ideas about why they said and did what they said and did?  When you are frustrated by a situation, try writing down what you actually know, what you guess, and what came from rumors.  Eliminate the conjecture for a clearer picture, and try starting fresh.  Will you let assuming consume you?  It’s up to you.

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Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.

UpBeat Living: Spring Springing

Tags

Effective living, energy, energy foods, Feeling energized, friendships, lifestyle, Organizing, stress, Stress Management, vitality

©2011 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Did you read this column title as “Spring Cleaning?”   I have lived in places with actual winters, cold weather, ice, wind, and snow.  In those areas, Spring Cleaning was widely understood as an annual ritual.  It took place in many households, when the weather finally became warm enough to open the windows again, after the relative confinement of Winter. As plants began to sprout, leaf out, or bud, so people would take a fresh look around the house and air out, clean out, and toss out unneeded items, dirt, and general clutter.

So, what if your home and office were very clean, all areas were decorated to please you, and you knew where everything was when you wanted to reach for it?  How much time and stress would you save?  How much energy would you have, compared to moving around in your Winter space, with stuffy air and plenty of dust and clutter?  How long does it currently take you to find the office stapler, the correction tape, the blank CDs, or your computer’s portable backup device?  Do you know where all your bills are, and when you last paid what?  Can you quickly put your hands on the tool you need, the extra blanket for company, or the sweater Aunt Pat gave you last year?  How much time do you spend searching?

My friend, author Donna Smallin (Kuper), has written several books that can help you get control of your home and office.  An expert organizer, Donna believes in simple organizing. In her book, Organizing Plain and Simple, Donna even offers a quiz to help you identify your Organizing IQ.  She suggests we each ACT:  Assess the situation, Commit to a plan (in writing), and Take action.  What if your overall need is simply to reduce your clutter?  Might you want to go room by room, reducing your belongings by 20 percent?  Perhaps all you need is to centralize your workspace and equip it to work better for you.  Or, if you can never find your keys, checkbook, purse, or phone, perhaps the main thing you need is a designated landing pad relatively near your front door. This might be a table, shelf, or drawer, where you drop the keys and other items on the way in, and from which you pick them up on the way out.  Pick one small aspect or area of your home or office to start with.  Once organized, the area will be easy to clean.  You’ll be running more efficiently, feeling good about your decluttered space and yourself, and finding your energy springing forth.  Soon you’ll want to tackle organizing a new aspect or area.  And there is no limit to how far you can take this chain reaction of Spring organizing and cleaning, then springing up to new energy levels.

Officially, Spring begins on March 20th.  But what’s holding you back from springing forward with your environment, your stuff, and your life right now?  Start small, and soon the rewards will be great.

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Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.