Healthy Happy Loving Life: Handling Contempt

Tags

changing your channel, contempt, friendships, Healthy Happy Loving Life, Journaling, Relationships, social satisfaction

© 2022 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

Image by megapixl

Over coffee,  a friend related a remarkable recent interaction she had with someone’s contempt.  She was at an event, chatting with a friendly acquaintance she had known and admired for many years.  Suddenly, she realized the friend was speaking to her with clipped disdain and narrowed, “steely” eyes.  He clearly disliked her and held her in contempt! He expressed complete disrespect for her professional worth and work.  My friend has long admired this man and his work, and she has often chimed in when his name came up in conversation, when people spoke of how valuable his work was.  She has referred clients to him.  She liked him, until this moment of sudden realization. She had no idea what was going on– clearly something behind the scenes.  She was shocked to realize the intensity of his disdain for her, and his willingness to express it in public!  While she knew she had never done anything to the colleague or made negative remarks about him, he had formulated very negative views and feelings about her.  She was tempted to feel terrible.  Wisely, she left the room for awhile, then chatted with others until the end of the event.

Image by megapixl

I congratulated my friend on leaving the room, shifting the energy, and thereby changing her channel.  If the man hates her, she doesn’t owe it to him to take in more of his hatred.   I asked her if she had done a few complete breaths, exhaling first.  She said yes, that was her second strategy, and it felt good!  Later, either journaling or hitting the treadmill would also help discharge her emotions about the negative encounter.

So what about the best ongoing strategies?   If people have been making up negative stories to tell this man, and that is why he has been so negative to my friend, there is little she can do to counter those stories.  Making up stories is a time-honored human habit.  It is so common it is even mentioned in the Bible.  Rather than trying to dig into the cause of the negativity, it is much better for her to be her best self and let her accomplishments and true character shine.  People adjust quickly to positive changes we make.  Even those who held negative beliefs about us can forget those when they have new, positive experiences with us.

My friend plans to steer clear of the colleague as much as possible, stop referring clients to him, (certainly!) and keep the most positive thoughts and friends.  She wisely believes she cannot control anyone else, their thoughts, or their comments.  But she can control where she puts her attention and energy.  And besides, there are about 7 BILLION other people on the Planet for future friendship and business.  She doesn’t need this one person.

So in awkward situations, make your best call: is it worth any time or energy to even respond?  Only you can control where you put your attention and energy. And that will be you, too, ever more Healthy Happy and Loving Life^sm!

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Kebba Buckley Button is a stress/energy management expert, holistic healer, and award-winning author who celebrates life.  She has a longtime natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. Among her books are: Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), Inspirations for Peace Within:  Quotes and Images to Uplift and Inspire, and Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine.  The books are available on Amazon and through Kebba’s office.   They are also available in Scottsdale, Arizona, at the Franciscan Renewal Center bookstore and at the bookstore at St. Barnabas on the Desert Episcopal Church. Or simply email us to order:  kebba@kebba.com .  Thank you!

Books by Kebba Buckley Button

 

Healthy Happy Loving Life: The Pinball Machine of Life

Tags

adjusting to change, energy, Feeling energized, fulfilled, Garth Brooks, grateful, healing, Kebba, living beyond, making changes, moving on, Relationships, stress tips

Photo by http://www.livelifehappy.com

© 2021 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Today, I offer my Pinball Machine Theory of Life.   Think of the top 3 disappointing events you’ve had in life.  A relationship suddenly over.  The job you KNEW was yours, and someone else got it.  The friend who suddenly cut you off.  Remember how much that hurt?

Sometimes, it’s like you are the ball on a pinball game board.  After the token goes into the machine, and the spring launcher is pulled and released, the ball zips up the slope of the game board.  Sometimes, like the pinball, you are racing up the board of life thinking you are definitely headed in a certain direction.  Then– wham!– you get hit with a flipper.  For a moment, you don’t even know what your new direction is, right?  You’re just reverberating with the impact of the flipper (ow!), feeling the pain, and trying to get your bearings again.  Then you begin collecting yourself, look up, and see what unintended direction you are now headed in.  Yikes! Not what the plan was!  And how many time has this happened to you?

Grammy-Award winning musician Garth Brooks has a powerful song called, “Thank God for Unanswered Prayers.”  In the song, he tells of being out with his wife and seeing the woman he dated in high school.  In high school, he used to pray for that relationship every night.  By the time he saw his old flame again, he realized he would not be in the amazing relationship he was in with his wife, had the relationship with his old flame worked out.  So now he is massively grateful for the passing of that old relationship!  He was redirected on the Pinball Machine of Life, and now he is deeply glad.

If you are a person of faith, remember this timeless truth [Romans 8:28]:  We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him…

When the flippers hit you, you are being directed for powerful purposes, by a Wisdom greater than our own.  Do your best to deal with the hurt.  Then embrace the new opportunities that are arriving.  Be the happy and grateful pinball.

Now, doesn’t it feel great to be even more Healthy, Happy, and Loving Life^sm?  It’s up to you!  

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Kebba Buckley Button is a stress solutions expert, holistic guide, and award-winning author who celebrates life.  She has a longtime energy healing practice and is an ordained minister. Among her books are: Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), Inspirations for Peace Within:  Quotes and Images to Uplift and Inspire, and Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine.  The books are available on Amazon and through Kebba’s office.   To email us, kebba@kebba.com .

Books by Kebba Buckley Button

Upbeat Living: What Puppy is for You?

Tags

Kebba Buckley Button, Love, puppies, Relationships, stress, The life you want, UpBeat Living

© 2016 Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM.  World Rights Reserved.

When you think of puppies, what do you feel?  Does your face break out in a huge, soft smile?  Does your whole body relax with joy?  When you pick up a puppy, how do you feel?  Do you feel love?  I personally believe that the greater purpose of dogs on this planet is to express unconditional love.  Read the following story and see if you come to share my belief.

There is an iconic story, author unknown, of a farmer who had some puppies he wanted to sell.  One version goes as follows:

The farmer painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.  “Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”  “Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then, reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.  “I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”

“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called.  Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly, the mother dog, followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.  Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.  In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.  Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.  Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.  “How much?” asked the little boy.  “No charge,” answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”

This story speaks to one of the most primal instincts we have:  to love and to be loved by someone who understands us.  The puppy with uneven legs represents unconditional love.  He also is a being that the little boy can pour out love to.  The puppy will be receptive to being loved affectionately and will be expressing his love with warmth and affection.  Think of the different personalities, enthusiasm, and receptivity of the different balls of fur rolling out of the doghouse.  So, what are you looking for in friends and in loving relationships?  Which puppy would be for you?  Which friends are for you? Living by your values puts you square in Upbeat Living^sm!  Make the choices that fits you best.  After all, it’s your life!

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office.  Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com. 
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: calendar@kebba.com .

 

 

UpBeat Living: Caring, Acceptance and Letting Go

Tags

Acceptance, Caring, Kebba Buckley Button, Letting go, Relationships, UpBeat Living

© 2016 Kebba Buckley Button, MS,OM.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Relationships all have a balance of caring, acceptance and letting go.  We find happiness and well-being in finding the best balance.  That’s what I want you to find:  the balance that puts you in Upbeat Living^sm.

At one time, I knew a man whose life had just changed, in every major aspect.  His relationship, his career, and the part of town he lived in had all changed quite recently.   He was feeling highly impacted by all these things shifting at once, even though he was looking forward to the positive results and new horizons.  He seemed shell-shocked.  He was trying meditation as a means to collect his wandering, stressed consciousness and perhaps help him feel grounded again.  He was aware of a need to emotionally let go of his previous ideas of who he was, and also to let go of connection he had had with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues.    Unable to let go, he was in great pain.

The more we hang on to the past, the stronger we grip the ties that bind, the more we give the bonds strength.  For example, what if we care about a relative or romantic interest who does not care much about us?  The more we focus on the love we want, that we are not getting from that person, the more energy we are giving the relationship, and the stronger the bond is—on our part.  Continuing to love and ache for returned love, from a person who does not return those feelings, is unrewarding.  I once heard this described as, “going to a hardware store looking for milk”.  Yet, giving up that one-sided caring may be extremely painful.  And we must give it up.

For people of faith: the Bible encourages us, in a number of places, to let go of the past and embrace the future we are co-creating with God.  For example, Isaiah 43: 18-19 offers,

Forget the former things.  Do not dwell on the past.  Behold, I am doing a new thing:  now it springs up.  Do you not see it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Twenty years ago, I had a clear-cut experience of needing to let go.  A pleasant couple who were neighbors of mine suddenly moved away.   I was very fond of them and thought of them as friends.  Yet, I found out they were leaving only hours before the moving van removed them from my street.  My heart felt such a jolt!  I asked myself what I was “missing” so strongly.  I was very fond of the couple and yet knew that our friendship really never got off the ground.  I would probably not hear from them again.  So what were these pangs?  Then my young self realized:  while it is always good to like and admire people, and to wish them the best, I needed to let go of the idea that we would become friends someday.  Oh yes!  Time to laugh at my humanity.  And I did laugh!  And then I was able to let go.

When we are not getting the caring or love we want from a relationship, whether it’s Mom, a lover, or a friend, our biggest tool is acceptance.  We need to adjust our feelings to fit the reality we now see.  We need to move into acceptance to move out of hurt.  Once we accept that we will never get what we once wanted, we have our power.  We can let go.

When we let go, we get on with our relationships – with those who do reciprocate.  When caring is mutual, life is more fun and fulfilling.  So who and what do you need to let go of, to move on and live your best life? Because that’s Upbeat Living!

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is an ordained minister whose passion is helping people find their Peace Within. She also a stress management expert and has a natural healing practice.  She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), and Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition. Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine.  Both that book and Peace Within are available through her office.  Just email books@kebba.com. 
• Would you like  an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group? Just email  calendar@kebba.com .

Social Stress: Getting What You Want

Tags

Kebba Buckley Button, Relationships, Social Stress, stress, The life you want, UpBeat Living

© 2016 Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM.  World Rights Reserved.

 So here we are, almost 2 weeks into the New Year, 2016.  Does it still feel new?  Have you landed yet?  Are you comfortably going along at the pace you imagined, as you set your New Year resolutions?  Or are you having Social Stress?

As we leap, flow, or stumble backward into this New Year, many of us had already been thinking about what qualities we wanted in our lives for the next 12 months.  While our way of living did not change on the stroke of 12 midnight, going into January 1, what we resolved  to have different this year may have changed.  Perhaps you have been thinking you would like that health condition to be cleared this year, or you would like that nasty divorce completed.  Perhaps you would like to find that ideal degree program, get some special training, get a job where you’ll be happier, or tune up your business.  Have you been writing down what you want to be true?    Written goals get achieved much more often.  You can always change them later, if your ideas of happiness change.

Speaking of happiness, did you have it in 2015?   Were you pleased, content, and often smiling?  Could you honestly say, “I have the life I want, and I am grateful”?

Have your relationships been just what you want?   Or are you often frustrated with your relationships?   The fact is that there are over 7 billion people on this planet, and you can meet a lot of them!  In this new year 2016, would you like more closeness, more meaningful conversation, more laughs, and perhaps more fun?  Are you looking for a significant other, a business partner, better employees?  Or simply more smooth and pleasant business interactions?  To eliminate Social Stress, try these three tools for tuning up your social satisfaction:

1. Listen to people and affirm. People want to receive the message that they are significant, that they “count”.  Did you say you wanted some new friends?  You may be just the great listener a new friend has been looking for.  Listening is also the top way most people get the message they are cared about.  Especially if you are not sure what the person is expressing, say it back to them, asking, “Now is this what you’re saying?”  And add an affirmative thought of your own.
2. Consider the Mirror Effect when things go wrong.    Sometimes the very thing someone claims about you is true of them, not you.  A contractor I hired said I was selfish (hey, who was paying whom?), but she turned out to be a complete narcissist.  Negotiation is sometimes impossible with these people, and you may have to walk. If so, walk quietly, and focus on what you want next, not what you don’t want.
3. Consider that some people aren’t for you, personally or professionally. If the other person/brother/Mom/cousin/neighbor/coworker is generally not responding to your emails, ideas or friendliness, consider giving less or letting go.  You’ll have more energy for other relationships and for projects.  And there are so many interesting people and projects in the World.  Check Meetup.com for any subject area you may have in common with others, including simply winetasting or dining out.  Your faith group has many ministries and projects, even yoga, games nights, book groups, writers’ discussions, and sports groups.  I know a large Christian church in Phoenix that even has a motorcycle ministry.

Now install the following in your consciousness by repeating it 25 times twice daily, on rising and on going to sleep:  “I have the life and the relationships I want, and I am grateful!”  You’ll call in what you want with your fresh attitude.  And now, may your year be joyfilled and bright.  That’s Upbeat Living !

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office.  Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com. 
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: calendar@kebba.com .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kindness: the New International Language

Tags

communication, connect, Kebba Buckley Button, kindness the new international language, Laughing, Relationships, stress

© 2015 Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM. World Rights Reserved.

 

Word Cloud by iculig-Fotolia

Centuries ago, French was the international language. If you wanted to talk to anyone from any country, both of you used French. In recent centuries, English has enjoyed that prominence. With over 600 languages on the Planet, your best bet for communicating with the most people is to try English. But what if you’re talking with someone who doesn’t speak it? And you don’t speak their language? Or perhaps you don’t even know what their language is?

 

I have found that kindness trumps all. I live in a very international neighborhood. We are widely diverse in age, economic status, ideas about clothing, food we choose, countries of origin, languages, and of course religion. I can speak American, British, some French, some German, and some Spanish. So I’m ahead of many. I can understand a lot more of various languages than I can speak. But I have found that kind people can communicate very well without any similarity in language.

 

Kind words can be short and easy to speak,

but their echoes are truly endless.

~ Mother Teresa

 

Take the day I stepped out of my car at a huge grocery store and saw a balloon floating rapidly past me. I mean rapidly! I looked in the direction it seemed to be coming from, and I saw a man and a small boy looking distressed. They were wearing Middle Eastern garb, the pajama-like loose outfits often seen in Afghanistan. I was wearing a skirted suit and heels. With no time to waste, I took off running after that balloon, as if Life On This Planet depended on it. 100 yards later, I caught it and yelled something clever, like,”YESSSS!!” A bit embarrassed, I carried the balloon back through the wind to the astonished waiting pair. Their faces said everything. Someone had been kind to them in their new country. The father gave me a very grave look, tucked his chin, and said, “Tink yoo Leddy.” Had we communicated? Perfectly! Perhaps they think of the crazy blond lady now, sometimes when they see balloons.

 

Consider now the great neighborhood nail salon. I went there following the wisdom of a popular review website. After 2 years, I am still getting exquisite, gracious service and beautiful nails that last ridiculously long. The staff speak mainly Vietnamese and gestures. I speak mainly very simple English plus gestures. We have become very fond of each other and sometimes share stories.

 Kindness is the language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

~ Mark Twain

When I sit in the nail chair and it squeaks, I do a sitting dance and laugh. And we all crack up together. We read each other’s faces and know right away if we’re getting our point across or drawing a blank. One day my manicurist was very excited and laughing. She pointed to a woman at the front of the salon, getting a pedicure. She kept saying, proudly and happily, “[S]he mail! She mail!” I finally got it: the postperson for the salon, a female mail carrier, had decided to come in for a pedicure. It was a new horizon in their relationship. I was happy with them. Kindness is our primary language.

 

In the big membership discount store, I was looking for fresh snacks for a seminar group. Almost done with my tour of the 2-acre store, my eyes lit on fresh cherries in another shopper’s basket. Wahoo! There was an Asian-looking gentleman (Korean? Thai?) leaning on the cart handle, considering his list. I was hesitant to step across any cultural boundaries. Do women speak to unknown men in wherever-he’s-from? [I know, he could have been from LA, but my instincts turned out to be right.]

 

I really wanted some cherries for my group, now that I knew they were somewhere in the store. I took a deep breath and went over to him. Pointing to the cherries and smiling, I asked, “Excuse me, where did you find the cherries?” He gestured politely to the Cold Room. I said, “[A]h! That Cold Room! Thank you so much!” Now what happened next? He went to the Cold Room, 60 feet away, with me and showed me exactly where the cherries were, pointing politely! I was so touched. I exclaimed with delight, thanked him twice and said, “you are very kind.” I believe he understood me.

 

Kindness: the New International Language. Meeting someone who doesn’t speak your language doesn’t have to cause stress. Watch the person’s face, smile, be kind, and do your best. Laugh together when it feels right.  We’re all on one planet together. It feels good to connect, with kindness.

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office. Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com.
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: bookings@kebba.com .

 

Caution: Assumptions Can Kill Relationships

Tags

assuming, Assumptions, peace within, personal peace, Relationships, stress

©2015  Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM.  World Rights Reserved.

© Ad van Brunschot – Fotolia

 

Have you ever caught yourself assuming something you have no way of knowing? A lot of gossip comes from, well, nothing. It’s human nature to fill in the blanks when curious about something. But we need to take care we are neither consumed by our natural curiosity nor creating problems for someone with our assumptions.

 

Here’s a relatively harmless example from a business networking meeting. To get the dynamics, you need to know that I only ever eat small meals. This particular group always has a buffet, so it’s interesting to see what people choose to put on their plates. However, normally members never comment on what others are eating. This one day, an unusually fine-boned, thin (as in, no one is thinner) and athletic member took a massive interest in my lunch plate.

 

“I came across some awful characters when I got some kind of status and came to Hollywood. Then you have directors trying to sleep with you, assuming that you will do things because of the way you dress.”

~ Stacey Dash

 

She asked me loudly, “[I]s that all you’re going to eat?” I hate becoming the center of attention for something so trivial, but I replied pleasantly, “[O]h, I never eat much.” At the same moment, this woman finished taking the food she wanted, and turning out of the buffet line, saying even more loudly, to the room,“[O]h! She’s on a diet!!” To make that statement, she had to be assuming that I felt overweight and wanted to lose pounds, and further that I was choosing food reduction as a means of losing pounds. I did not enjoy the flash realization that my “friend” thought I was overweight. Nor did I enjoy her telling the entire group that I was overweight and had decided to diet, to lose weight.

 

“I’m just trying to get rid of all the mystery surrounding me and let people see what I’m thinking. So they can understand me and stop assuming things about me.”

~ Juliana Hatfield

 

In part, at first, I felt humiliated. I also saw this could escalate into a group discussion, as others started peering at my plate and considering what the ultrathin woman was saying. It was horrible being put in this position by someone else’s broadcasted assumptions. Taking a deep breath and a huge risk, I matched the ultrathin woman’s volume and said calmly to the room, “I’m not on a diet. I never eat much. Don’t make stuff up!” Interestingly, the woman went silent and kept moving, without even looking at me again (ever, so far), let alone apologizing. I no longer seek her out or regard her as a friend.

 

What do you believe about people and situations? How much of your belief system about each friend or colleague is based on fact, and how much on imagination? If you are disturbed by someone’s behavior, is your discomfort based on actual conversation with them? Or is it based on your ideas about why they said and did what they said and did? When you are frustrated by a situation, try writing down what you actually know, what you guess, and what came from rumors. Eliminate the conjecture for a clearer picture, and try starting fresh. You’ll have much less stress and much more peace within.  Will you let assuming consume you? It’s a burden you don’t need, and it’s up to you.

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office. Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com.
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: bookings@kebba.com .

 

UpBeat Living: Can You Be Pleasant When They’re Rude?

Tags

choices, difficult people, friendships, Relationships, Rudeness, stress

© 2014 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Fotolia

Can you hold the High Ground of Graciousness when others are being rude?  It depends on how high you think the stakes are.  Unpleasant people are an unfortunate fact of life.  They are not fun. They make us wince.  They cause our stomachs to knot up.  They sometimes try to generate conflict.  But now and then we have to deal with these people.  It’s crucial to be as congenial as you can be with them as well as with the sometimes-awful situations they can create.  You never know who is listening and how many years they will remember how you handled it.

 

The importance of being pleasant was brought home to me following a particular gathering of a cooking club to which I belonged.  For some reason, I couldn’t go that night, which may have been a good thing.  What happened became legendary to the club members. The club always cooked to a theme, and people would bring all the dishes, prepared, to the host’s home.  The host or hostess always coordinated the dishes well ahead of time.

 

This particular night, an hour into the meal, a notoriously late member of the group arrived.  He had not said he wanted to come, and all the dishes were arranged for.  This friend had brought some fresh seafood, which was irrelevant to the evening’s theme.  The hostess, wanting to be…pleasant, let this friend come in and participate.  One of the more expressive members asked why Mr. Seafood should be allowed to join the evening and asserted he should leave.  Mr. Seafood prepared his dish in the hostess’s kitchen from scratch, while the group moved on to dessert, according to the original plan.  In escalating tones, Mr. Expressive told Mr. Seafood that he should respect the group more and abide by the agreements: reserve ahead, prepare the dish in his own kitchen, and arrive on time, prepared.  Other voices began to rise.

 

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 

 ~ Edmund Burke

 

Most agreed with Mr. Expressive in principle, and they were tired of Mr. Seafood behaving as he does, and had done for years.  However, they began to tell Mr. Expressive that it was best to be pleasant.  No one wanted outright strife.  Then voices were raised on this point.  Two people actually tried the seafood dish during dessert.  Raised voices turned to hurt feelings.  One couple said it was simply unacceptable to air unpleasant thoughts like this at a social gathering.  Mr. Expressive said, but he was right.  [And I was in strong agreement with his points, while different people were telling me later about the evening’s events.]  Topping off the situation, the two who had tried the seafood dish got food poisoning from it.  The outcome was that Mr. Expressive lost respect and friends, and the group never met again.  The stress of outright conflict was too uncomfortable for the group.

 

A client shared a related story with me.  For a time, in an HOA situation, there was a neighbor who was especially critical of much of what went on with the community.  She would send verbally violent emails to Board members and neighbors, wildly angry about the gate needing repairs or the dumpsters being too full.  Online or in person, she would exclaim, “UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!”  Neighbors stopped responding to her emails, ignored her at Board meetings, and gradually steered away from her altogether.  She lost all her social equity, all her influence in the community, and all of what could have been friendships with many fine neighbors.  There is a level of blatant aggression and conflict that is simply too stressful for people, so they turn away.

 

The next time you find yourself with people expressing unpleasantly, be as pleasant as you can be, or remove yourself, if possible.  Laugh and make light remarks.  Be the one who breaks the tension if you have those skills. Even if you agree with the aggressor’s points, don’t join the tension, if you can avoid it.  You can always talk with the aggressor later, after things have cooled off.  To enjoy your relationships the most, smile and be easygoing.  You’re the one who will be invited back.  You’re the one who will keep the relationships.

________________________________________________________________

 

● Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc).  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Liked this article?  You can buy Kebba’s books:  just click the links!

• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 
• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Please comment!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

 

 

 

 

 

 

UpBeat Living: Assuming

Tags

assuming, Assumptions, friendships, Gossip, Relationships, stress, UpBeat Living

© 2014  Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Fotolia

Have you ever caught yourself assuming something you have no way of knowing?  A lot of gossip comes from, well, nothing. It’s human nature to fill in the blanks when curious about something.  But we need to take care we are neither consumed by our natural curiosity nor creating problems for someone with our assumptions and chatter.  Today, I’m  using only stories from my  direct experience, so  we can make the least and smallest assumptions.

 

Here’s a relatively harmless example  of damage created by assumptions, at a business networking meeting.  To get the dynamics, you need to know that I only ever eat small meals.  This particular group always has a buffet, so it’s interesting to see what people choose to put on their plates.  However, normally, members never comment on what others are eating.  This one day, an unusually fine-boned, thin (as in, no one is thinner) and athletic member took a massive interest in my lunch plate.

 

She asked me loudly, “[I]s that all you’re going to eat?”  I hate becoming the center of attention for something so trivial, but I replied pleasantly, “[O]h, I never eat much.”  At the same moment, this woman finished taking the food she wanted, and turning out of the buffet line, she said  even more loudly, to the room,“[O]h!  She’s on a diet!!”  To make that statement, she had to be assuming that I felt overweight and wanted to lose pounds, and further that I was choosing food reduction as a means of losing pounds. I did not enjoy the flash realization that my “friend” thought I was overweight.  Nor did I enjoy her telling the entire group that I was overweight and had decided to diet, to lose weight.  Was she trying to embarrass me?  We’ll never know, and I don’t want to assume.

 

In part, I felt humiliated. I also saw this could escalate into a group discussion, as others started peering at my plate and considering what the thin woman was saying.  I matched the thin woman’s volume and said calmly to the room, “I’m not on a diet.  I never eat much.  Don’t make stuff up!”  Interestingly, the woman kept moving, without even looking at me again, let alone apologizing.

Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

~ Miguel Angel Ruiz

 

Occasionally, someone’s brain fills in blanks with assumptions about us, where there are no facts, or the facts are the complete opposite of the resulting assumptions.  In this kind of case, great harm can result.  One year, I went to a New Year’s Eve singles party with a group of single friends.  I drink almost no alcohol, because alcohol makes me tired.  So I had only had 2 sips of champagne at midnight, enjoying the ritual of welcoming in the New Year.  Otherwise, I drank water all evening; we also danced for hours.  I felt great.  One friend got so drunk that at 12:15 am, the rest of us that came together, all 6, walked her to her car and repeatedly offered, in different ways, to drive her home.

 

Oddly, the drunk friend kept inquiring if each of us was okay to drive.  She was clearly assuming we had all been drinking alcohol, since she had been.  In the course of our extended conversation, trying to convince her to let us drive her home, she turned her concern to me.  I replied that, no, I was fine, I had had only had 2 sips of champagne.  The next day, I received a 6-minute voicemail from the previous night’s drunk friend, condemning me for drinking so heavily!  In serious and angry tones, her rant let me know how low a human I was.  She said if I wanted to abuse my body by drinking heavily and hurting my brain and liver, that was one thing.  However, she said- now in passionately angry tones- that if I wanted to drink heavily like that and then drive, that was another thing and inexcusable behavior!  She said I was taking other people’s lives in my hands by drinking and driving.

 

I returned her call and tried to talk with her. But she was completely committed to the idea that I was the drunk and dangerous one.  I gave up my friendship with her.  Several years later, she decided I had gotten over my Problem and let me know she had forgiven me!  I still avoid her.  Her assumptions consumed our relationship.  The damage was done.

 

What do you believe about people and situations?  How much of your belief system about each friend or colleague is based on fact, and how much on imagination?  If you are disturbed by someone’s behavior, is your discomfort based on actual interaction?  Or is it based on your ideas about why they said and did what they said and did?  When you are frustrated by a situation, try writing down what you actually know, what you guess, and what came from rumors.  Eliminate the guessing for a clearer picture, and try starting fresh.  Also, say nothing unless you know it’s fact.  Will you let assuming consume you?  It’s up to you.

________________________________________________________________

● Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc).  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Liked this article?  You can buy Kebba’s books:  just click the links!

• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 
• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Please comment!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

 

 

UpBeat Living: Got the happy relationships you want?

Tags

happiness, happy, Relationships, Stress Management, The life you want, UpBeat Living

© 2014  Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

(c) Chenpg-fotolia.com

Do your friendships and other relationships make you happy?  Are you pleased, content, and often smiling?  Can you honestly say, “I have the life I want, and I am grateful”?  Would you say you’re in UpBeat Living?

Have your relationships been just what you want?   Or are you often frustrated with your relationships?  Would you like more closeness, more laughs, and perhaps more fun?  Are you looking for a significant other, or simply more smooth and pleasant business interactions?  Try these  top tips for tuning up your social satisfaction:

1.  Listen to people and affirm.  People want to receive the message that they are significant, that they “count”.  You may be the great listener a new friend has been looking for.  This is also the top way people get the message they are cared about.

2.  If it doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it.  Smooth interaction is often better for the short- and long term than being right and making sure they know it.

3.  Consider the Mirror Effect when things go wrong.    Sometimes the very thing someone claims about you is true of them, not you.  A contractor I hired said I was selfish (hey, who was paying whom?), but she turned out to be a complete narcissist.  Negotiation is sometimes impossible with these people, and you may have to walk away.  Walk quietly and focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want.

4.  Consider that some people aren’t for you, personally or professionally.  If the other person/brother/Mom/cousin/neighbor/coworker is generally not responding to your emails, ideas or friendliness, consider giving less or letting go.  You’ll have more energy for other relationships and for projects.

5.  Now install this in your consciousness by repeating after me 25 times, twice daily:  “I have the life and the relationships I want, and I am grateful!”  Do this for a month, and let me know how different things are.  Soon you’ll have   much more success and joy.

_________________________________________________________________

● Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc).  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Liked this article?  You can buy Kebba’s books:  just click the links!

• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 
• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Please comment!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .