UpBeat Living: Got the happy relationships you want?

Tags

happiness, happy, Relationships, Stress Management, The life you want, UpBeat Living

© 2014  Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

(c) Chenpg-fotolia.com

Do your friendships and other relationships make you happy?  Are you pleased, content, and often smiling?  Can you honestly say, “I have the life I want, and I am grateful”?  Would you say you’re in UpBeat Living?

Have your relationships been just what you want?   Or are you often frustrated with your relationships?  Would you like more closeness, more laughs, and perhaps more fun?  Are you looking for a significant other, or simply more smooth and pleasant business interactions?  Try these  top tips for tuning up your social satisfaction:

1.  Listen to people and affirm.  People want to receive the message that they are significant, that they “count”.  You may be the great listener a new friend has been looking for.  This is also the top way people get the message they are cared about.

2.  If it doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it.  Smooth interaction is often better for the short- and long term than being right and making sure they know it.

3.  Consider the Mirror Effect when things go wrong.    Sometimes the very thing someone claims about you is true of them, not you.  A contractor I hired said I was selfish (hey, who was paying whom?), but she turned out to be a complete narcissist.  Negotiation is sometimes impossible with these people, and you may have to walk away.  Walk quietly and focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want.

4.  Consider that some people aren’t for you, personally or professionally.  If the other person/brother/Mom/cousin/neighbor/coworker is generally not responding to your emails, ideas or friendliness, consider giving less or letting go.  You’ll have more energy for other relationships and for projects.

5.  Now install this in your consciousness by repeating after me 25 times, twice daily:  “I have the life and the relationships I want, and I am grateful!”  Do this for a month, and let me know how different things are.  Soon you’ll have   much more success and joy.

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc).  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Liked this article?  You can buy Kebba’s books:  just click the links!

• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 
• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

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● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Finding Your Peace Within

Tags

at choice, Effective living, Feeling energized, happy, Kebba, peace within, stress, Stress Management, The life you want, UpBeat Living

If you are not feeling perfect peace within right now, read on.  If you are stressed, if you have any aches, pains, loss of concentration, or relationship damage from stress, read on.  If you ache for internal quietude, read on.

Peace Within, Second Edition. Photo by George Rocheleau.

Peacefulness comes from being balanced, from being clear about your beliefs, and from living in that clarity and in your connection with the Divine.  Peacefulness is supported by perfect health, whatever that means for you.

Peace within generates peace in your relationships and anywhere you go in your world.  It generates peaceful vibes that others can feel, and that they respond to.  So when you are peaceful inside your body, mind, heart, and spirit, you breed peace wherever you are.

People love a pleasant person and a pleasant experience. So a person who is quietly radiant with inner peace will be receiving positive, gentle and  enthusiastic connections with others.  Now what if everyone in the World were cultivating Peace Within?  Ghandi famously said, “[B]e the peace you want to see.”  That is the way this works.

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● Kebba Buckley Button is the author of the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition).   Keep this book with you constantly, to quickly recharge your Peace Within, with quotes, photos, and poems that take you directly there!  Kebba is a corporate stress management trainer, and she also has a holistic healing practice.

● Liked this blog?  Why not buy Kebba’s books?  Just click the links!

• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition)( http://perfectboundmarketing.gostorego.com/authors/kebba-buckley-button.html)
• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). ● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: What I Learned From The Golden Globe ® Awards

Tags

at choice, choices, Effective living, Enjoy the journey, happy, joy, Share the journey

© 2013 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

It was an unusually cold night in Los Angeles, at the Beverly Hilton Hotel.  Twenty million viewers sat at home, riveted to their TV sets, enthralled as the stars made their way slowly along the red carpet.  It was the 2013 Golden Globe® Awards. The men were in elegant suits.  The women wore stunning, graceful designer gowns, many reminiscent of eras past.  News teams dotted the length of the red carpet, interviewing and photographing the stars, the directors, and key industry icons.  Despite the 40 degree air, the stars walked slowly, apparently relaxed, in joyful expectancy of a delightful evening.

The Awards ceremony itself was a good-natured gathering of the entertainment industry, brought together by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA).  Informal humor abounded, as colleagues kidded colleagues.  When Jennifer Garner stood to present an award, she apologized, laughing, saying her husband, Ben Affleck, had forgotten to thank two people.  She thanked them on Affleck’s behalf, then went on to present the award as scheduled.  There were a number of takeaways from the evening.

• Year-round maintenance of your skin and figure are vital.  You may need to be at an important event any time.  The stars all looked fantastic.
• Smiling is paramount, regardless of the cold, and the fact that your unspeakably beautiful designer gown would be comfortable at 80 degrees.  The stars all looked pleasant and happy.
• People are always watching your act and noticing your expression. Try to be aware of where the cameras are.  An impression may last a lifetime.  The stars all looked joyful, expectant, welcoming, friendly.
• “Of course, the best journeys are shared.” Damian Lewis said it, and I’ll quote him many times.  With whom are you sharing your journey?  Would more sharing feel good and be more satisfying?
• An evening of sharing and laughing with and celebrating your friends is one of life’s greatest experiences.  So finish your workout, get your smile on, and share that journey.

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column.

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Letting Go

Tags

Effective living, fulfilled, happy, Letting go, moving on, unstuck

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Recently, I met a man  in a meditation class who said all the major things in his life had just changed.  His relationship, his career, and the part of town he lived in had all changed quite recently.   He was feeling highly impacted by all these things shifting at once, even though he was looking forward to the positive results and new horizons.  He seemed almost shell-shocked.  He was trying meditation as a means to collect his wandering, stressed consciousness and perhaps help him feel grounded again.  He was aware of a need to emotionally let go of his previous ideas of who he was, and also to let go of bonds he had had with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues.  I heard myself saying to him, “it’s only the process of detaching that hurts”.

 

The more we hang on to the past, the stronger we grip the ties that bind, the more we give the bonds strength.  For example, we may care about a relative or romantic interest who does not care much about us.  The more we talk about that love we want, that we are not getting from that person, the more energy we are giving the relationship, and the stronger the bond is—on our part.  Continuing to love and ache for returned love, from a person who does not return those feelings, is no thankful situation.  It is unrewarding.  I once heard this described as, “going to a hardware store looking for milk”.  Yet, giving up that one-sided caring may be extremely painful.  And we need to give it up.

 

In the 1980’s , the term “codependence” , or “codependency”,  came into use, in part for unrequited caring.  When a person wants something from another who cannot or will not give it, and the person keeps pursuing it, that behavior may be viewed as controlling. If you want to read more about this way of looking at things, look for books by Melody Beattie, such as Codependent No More.

 

Some time ago, a young couple who were neighbors of mine moved away.  I found out only hours before the moving van removed them from my street.  I was jolted. I felt distracting pangs of loss for days.  Ouch!  I asked myself what I was “missing” so strongly.  I was very fond of the couple and yet knew that our friendship really never got off the ground.  I would probably not hear from them again.  So what were these pangs?  Then I realized, the young couple didn’t care that I cared.   My admiration and affection for them was entirely one-sided.  They had no particular interest in me.  While it is always good to like and admire people, and to wish them the best, I needed to let go of the idea that we would become friends someday.  I had entirely created my own pangs!  Then I remembered  that word for one-sided attachment:  codependency.  Oh yes!  Time to laugh at my humanity.  And I did laugh!

 

I got busy with my real life and my real friends and lost my distraction over the loss of the lovely neighbors.  Only the detaching was painful.  It feels great to have no further bonds there.  Who and what do you need to let go of?

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core.  She is also an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Rabbitt’s Legacy

Tags

at choice, choices, Effective living, friendships, happy, Kebba, legacy, Relationships

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Rabbitt Burns died at the hands of a friend, in January 2010, in Orange City, Florida. Everyone agreed that Rabbitt was a kind woman that everyone liked. When she failed to show up for her library job one morning, coworkers said she was too dependable to skip work without calling in.  A colleague went to her home and found her on the floor, shot.  Police observed that breakfast for two was on the table and Rabbitt’s laptop was missing.  Tracing the laptop, they found Rabbitt’s ex-boyfriend with it.

Rabbitt’s death hits me in different ways each time I think of her. More memories of different wonderful experiences with her keep bubbling up.  I keep thinking of a profound little poem, “The Dash”, by Linda Ellis.  The poem takes a look at the way our years are marked on a gravestone.  Most often, the years of birth and death, with a dash between them, are right under the name of the deceased.  Ellis say basically that it is neither the birth year nor the year of death that is most important.  Rather, it’s the dash between.  It’s the way you lived your life.  Abraham Lincoln expressed something similar, when he said, “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Now you may think I am going to wax eloquent about one’s accomplishments in life, the degrees, the honors, the acts, the things one did.  I am not.  I want to tell you why so many people miss Rabbitt Burns, and why we will remember her with great love and joy for many years:  Rabbitt honored everyone.  It wasn’t what Rabbitt did that made her extraordinary.  It was who she was and how she related to everyone.  Rabbitt was kind and attentive.  She spoke to each person with a loving regard, often asking thoughtful questions.  She intelligently treated each person as though s/he were precious and she was fortunate to be spending time with them.  She seemed limitlessly supportive to friends in unhappy times.  I have heard her talking to strangers on a CB radio, kindly asking them how their day was going and if they had a long drive ahead.  I will long remember her light, sweet tone in signing off, almost singing, “It was sure nice talkin’ to y’all.”  Their 18-wheeler pulled up beside our little car briefly, and the two men in the cab waved warmly before going on their way.  Rabbitt had transformed their trip with her extraordinary gentle warmth.  Will people remember you that way?

What will people say about each of us when we have just died?  Perhaps it depends on the qualities we choose to embrace and live out as we fill out that dash between birth certificate and death certificate.  Rabbitt Burns, it was sure nice talkin’ to y’all!

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core.

● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: What Mothers Your Invention?

Tags

Aron Ralston, at choice, choices, Clinton Kelly, fulfilled, happy, Kebba, living beyond, Necessity is the mother of invention, overcoming fear, Stacy London, unstuck, What Not To Wear

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Around 360 BC, Plato (in Greek), famously referred to “necessity, which is the mother of invention”.  Plato was writing, in Plato’s Republic, Book II, about creating a new state out of the needs of the people.  He and Adeimantus were discussing what that new state could and should be, based on the needs that were known.  They imagined.  They designed.  A number of authors and pundits since have used the phrase, “necessity is the mother of invention”.  This is generally understood to mean that if something is needed strongly enough, then a solution or an innovation will be found. This principle goes for the smallest levels of challenges and the greatest.

Consider this example.  A friend remembers repairing a grandfather clock, in which a tiny part had broken.  The part was no longer available, and the clock stood silent and useless.  My friend puzzled and tinkered. Today, decades later, the clock works well, and there is still a sewing needle, deep in the works of the clock.

In another example of solving small problems, a client tells of having an annoying drip from her kitchen exhaust system onto her glass-top stove.  The drip made a strange film on the stovetop, which adhered to any cooking tool passing by that spot.  In an otherwise attractive kitchen, until the cause and solution of the drip itself could be found, a small and lovely temporary solution was developed:  put a tiny terracotta baking dish on the stovetop, under the drip.  The tiny baking dish also serves as a spoon rest, so it remains.  How many tiny innovations have you made, that enhanced your daily life?

In the TLC television show, What Not to Wear (WNTW), over 200 episodes of makeovers have taken place.  But this is no shopping show, no find-the-right-pants show, no get-a-better-hairstyle show.  There is a much larger vision.  WNTW creates a unique opportunity for women—and an occasional man—to completely re-envision how they present themselves to the world.  Each participant, or “contributor”, is offered the chance to go to New York City with their entire wardrobe and have their collection reviewed by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly.  Stacy and Clinton literally take away any pieces that they believe do not work for the contributor’s lifestyle; this is often the entire wardrobe.  There is no going back.  The old clothes are gone.  The contributor is then given a $5000 card to use to shop for new pieces by WNTW rules.  In the studio, as the old clothes are disappearing before the contributor’s eyes, the opportunity opens questions such as:  what are the essentials of who I am?  What do I take with me into this new time of my life, and how?  How do I design my appearance,  to  represent who I really am?  By the time the wardrobe is replaced, the person’s hair restyled, and new makeup designed, observers can see the contributor’s attitude, stance, languaging, and self-esteem powerfully shifted.  Contributors have often reported great gains in their relationships and careers after their makeovers.  WNTW creates the necessity to re-invent, not only a person’s style, but a person’s self-concepts, by removing the contributor’s habitual lifestyle props: their wardrobe.  WNTW mothers (re)invention.

Occasionally, a serious situation may be the mother of our invention or innovation.  In 2003, 28-year-old outdoorsman Aron Ralston was mountain climbing in Utah, when his arm became wedged between boulders.  Ralston remained there for over 5 days, until he realized he could leverage enough force to break two of his arm bones and cut off his now-dead forearm with a dull multi-tool.  This graduate of Carnegie-Mellon University had majored in mechanical engineering and French, and had minored in piano.  He knew his piano days were over.  He knew that, to live, he would need to break and cut off the now-useless arm, rappel down a cliff one-armed, and hike 8 miles.  He did these things.  Today, he still climbs mountains, wearing a  prosthesis, and he has a wife, a son, and a speaking career.  When Ralston realized his arm was lifeless, he re-invented himself and his life.  Read more about Ralston in his book, Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

So in your life, right now, what necessity is calling you to invent something?  Do you need a re-invent a relationship that isn’t working, innovate a change in your stale business life, or invent a new schedule with more family time?  Is the ugly doorway of your home in need of a change of direction and redesign of the porch?  Is your health calling you to re-invent your wellness, with a fresh exercise/diet/supplements regime?  What necessity will be the mother of your next invention?  Enjoy your inventing!

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● Your comments are welcome!

● Get these articles by email– just click the Subscribe Free option in the right column!

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

 

UpBeat Living: Food & Drink for Desert Summer Thriving, Part 2

Tags

at choice, choices, Eating, Effective living, energy, energy foods, exhausted, fatigue, Feeling energized, food, happy, Health, Kebba, Summer, vitality

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Here are more recipes for cool, light, filling, energizing foods for sizzling summer days.  The curried shrimp/rice salad makes a complete meal.  The pan-broiled chicken recipe gives you delicious chicken to use cold in salads or as protein snacks, or cut into pieces to add to stir-fry dishes.  You can stay cool and stay energized!

Curried Shrimp Secret-Energy Salad for two

Prepare the rice:

In a saucepan, sauté ½ large yellow onion (mild), chopped, in 1-2 T olive oil.  When the edges are brown, add

1 c basmati rice

2 ½ c water

1 t sea salt

20 twists black or citrus pepper

1 T dried parsley flakes

Bring rice to a boil.  Reduce heat to a simmer and cook on medium-low for about 20 minutes.  Batches will vary, so sample it and see if it needs more water.  When tender, fluff it.  Set aside 2 c of this to cool to room temperature.

Now prepare the shrimp:

Take 16 medium-large (31-40 per pound frozen cooked shrimp and drop them in a wok with 1 T olive oil and 1 t curry powder (or ½ t cumin + ½ t turmeric + dash of clove, + dash of cinnamon, + dash of red pepper powder).  Yes, this will seem like you are wokking rocks at first.  Keep stirring with a bamboo spatula so that the spices evenly coat the shrimp.  The shrimp are done when they are curled and firm.  Set aside to cool on a dish.  Remove the tails if they have them.

Now prepare the bed of the salad:

5-6 oz. organic baby romaine lettuce, baby Italian mix, or similar dark greens.  Favorite brands are Earthbound Farms and Private Selection organic.  You will get the most energy from baby greens and from organic greens, with organic baby greens having the most energy.

Use sharp kitchen shears to cut up the greens to bit-size.  Divide into 2 salad bowls.  Toss with Golden Yogurt Secret-Energy Dressing.

Golden Yogurt Secret-Energy Dressing  For 2

1 sweet golden tomato, chopped (can substitute 1 c

golden cherry tomatoes)

2 T olive oil

¼ c plain yogurt

10 mint leaves

1 t fresh lime juice

Pinch sea salt

20 twists white or pink pepper

In a mini-processor or small blender, blend until smooth.

Now layer on each salad artistically:

1 c chopped cucumber

1 c rice (sprinkle across)

8 shrimp

5 kalamata olives to trim, 1 in center

Parsley flakes—sprinkle across center

Mix the drinks and serve!                                                                                      –    –   –   –

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Now consider this simple recipe for chicken.  Chicken prepared like this can be used hot when just done, cold as a plain protein snack, or cut in chunks and added, a minute before completion, to a stir-fry dish.  Enjoy!

Pan-Broiled Chicken  for two and for later

5-6 chicken breasts (“family pack”)

Olive oil

Sea salt

Mixed peppercorns in grinder

Use sharp kitchen shears to cut away fat globs from the chicken pieces.  Lightly olive-oil 2 10” sauté pans and sprinkle salt and pepper across the oiled surface.  Heat to medium-high, until you see the oil shimmer.  Place 3 chicken pieces in each pan.  Cook on that side until well-browned.  For a char-grilled flavor, cook until just black.  Salt and pepper the uncooked side, and turn with tongs.  Cook the second side until well-browned.  Turn the heat to medium-low (4 of 10) and cover.  Set a timer for 8 minutes.  Check the thickest piece for doneness: it must have no pink showing in the center.  Cook for several more minutes, if necessary.  Let cool on a platter until ready to slice enough for your salads.  Note:  If frozen chicken breasts were not entirely thawed when you needed to brown them, don’t worry.  Just follow the directions and be sure they get cooked all the way through.

Note:  Do not microwave these chicken pieces instead, since the flavor will be nothing compared to pan-broiling.  Flavor satisfies and brightens life!  The more satisfied you are, the fewer calories you will eat before you feel full.  Eat well and feel full, yet light, with these refreshing summer foods.

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● Your comments are welcome!

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Stop Complaining Now! For Your Own Sake

Tags

Cancer, complaining, fatigue, Feeling energized, fulfilled, happy, healing, Health, Kebba, Negativity, Relationships, stress

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Anyone know someone who has only negative comments to share?  You ask this person how they are, and they give you a passionate list of things that displease them.  Sometimes, they get on a roll and will dump as long as you are willing to listen.  Socially, they soak your energy, and at work, they burn your time and make YOU look like you’re gossiping and being unproductive.

Humorous office signs are a great way to generate smiles.  One of the best is a simple word in capital letters: “KWITCHERBITCHIN”.  Huh?  A passerby has to pause for a moment and let the phrase sink in.  Then chuckle. The sign provides an instant lightening-up on the weighty topic of complaining.

What’s wrong with complaining?  First, people get weary around the complainer, don’t want to work with them or sit with them in social settings.  Kids won’t select that kid to be on their team.  Second, people stop really listening to a person who complains constantly.  Then, as in the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, people will be nonresponsive when there is a big problem or painful life event, such as a death in the complainer’s family.  When the complainer has something major to share, his would-be audience is already worn out and will automatically turn away.

Why should you quit complaining altogether?  Complaining definitely magnifies your unhappy thoughts.  You have to keep your mind on the negative when you complain.  This keeps the negative experience alive and in your current memory.  “Let sleeping dogs lie.”  When we stop commenting about something unpleasant, and shift our focus to something pleasant, the negative-story thoughts can be released from short-term memory.  We have a certain capacity in our short-term memory, so filling it with positive thoughts keeps the negative memories from being restored from “the back of your mind”, reloaded into current memory.  Going over and over a bad memory or an unhappy circumstance brings it forefront, and it will bother you more.  And more.  And more.

This does not negate the positive value of journaling, however, in which you pour out your authentic thoughts and feelings freely.  Nor does it negate the value of support groups.  However, those in support groups might want to consider the boundaries between healthy brief venting and repetitive recounting of sad/bad memories.  After the past is basically dealt with, telling the stories of past horrors can certainly bring those old negative feelings back to life, fresh in the nervous system. Do you really want to spend your day feeling down?

At the University of Missouri, Associate Professor of Psychological Sciences Amanda Rose has completed two studies of 1600 girls and boys.  The work concluded that “excessive talking” about problems is linked with depression and anxiety.  Girls tended to go over problems in great detail, while boys tended to think talking about challenges was a waste of time.

Do you know someone who seems to love to be angry?  Perhaps someone who is critical and perfectionistic, who goes rigid when angrily telling you all about their dissatisfaction?  Studies of the physical effects of anger have shown that anger affects the parasympathetic nervous system and therefore the immune system.  So a person who stays angry, critical and complaining may be sick more often, and they may be more likely to get cancer.  Do you want this to be you?

So how do you deal with complainers around you?  To that person, recounting what’s wrong everywhere may feel like telling the truth, being authentic.  What sounds like complaining to others may be valuable analytical conversation to the one recounting.

• A complainer may be a perfectionist who is not often satisfied.  Try to be more relaxed with that person by having compassion for them.
• Try to move the person from narrative, naming the problem, to problem-solving.
• But do not let them drag you down. Walk away if you have to.  Take your keys and drive away if you need to.  Remember you have a pressing appointment.

Try this:  hold yourself to a high standard, trying never to complain.  The positivity quotient of those around you will rise accordingly.  You may no longer need that KWITCHERBITCHIN sign.

 ______________________________________________________________

● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Your Mind’s Eye

Tags

choices, energy, Feeling energized, fulfilled, happy, Inner Mentor, Kebba, Mental equivalents, responsible, Stress Management, stuck, unstuck

© 2012, Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Whatever your belief system, it is crucial to hold the most positive thoughts and images in your mind.  Ernest Holmes (1887-1960), the founder of Science of Mind, described “The Law of Mental Equivalents”.  He said, basically, that what you hold in consciousness is what you will get in your reality.  This has been proven true in a number of fields, as your brain and body take instruction from your thoughts.

 

Do you ever wonder why some people always cheerfully achieve success, while others are down in mood and fail at many doorsteps of opportunity?  Success is very much in your mind.  Your mind takes instruction from your thoughts, and your nervous system acts them out.  Try this experiment.  If you have a friend who knows muscle testing, ask them to muscle-test you before and after you say the following phrases.  Otherwise, find a 10-pound object or a gallon bottle of liquid, and lift it before and after you say these phrases.  Ready?  Lift the object.  Notice how heavy or light it is for you at this moment.  Say 10 times, at any speed, “I am a weak and unworthy person”.  Your nervous system takes this literally.  Now pick up the object again.  Notice how much heavier it is?  Now reverse the effect.  Say 10 times, at any speed, “I am a vital, strong, valuable person.”  Pick up the object again.  Notice it has become lighter.  Now, always remember that your brain and nervous system are listening to everything you say.

 

Now consider the phenomenon that your brain and nervous system do not know the difference between a real situation of terrible conflict, like a nasty fight or an assault, and a portrayed situation, as in a TV show or movie.  In a good mood, go to a movie theater and see any of the currently popular end-of-the-human-race movies.  You know, machines are arising or attacking from space, and the situation is impossible.  Although not currently in theaters, Independence Day is a good example of this genre.  If you have a portable blood pressure monitor, by all means take your blood pressure before and after you see this movie.  At the end of this movie, you will feel very stressed, your adrenaline will be rushing, and your blood pressure will be up.  You may feel hyped up or exhausted, fearful or cranky, and easily startled.  Leaving the venue, you may be driving “with a heavy foot”.  Your brain and nervous system thought they were in a real war.  If you really want to take in movies like this, but you want less of a stressful effect on yourself, rent them, show them at home, and when you feel your stress building up, look at other objects in the room and think of puppies and babies.  Notice your whole bodymind system shifting when you shift your attention.  Truly, you choose what stress and negativity you feed your mind and body.

 

Now consider an apparently mundane example.  Today may be a really hot, humid summer day where you are.  It may be so hot that you would prefer not to be out in that weather, but to zip efficiently from your air-conditioned home to your air-conditioned car to your air-conditioned office.  That’s a healthy strategy.  However, we all know people who, on this kind of day, must chant out loud, “Boy is it hot!  It is so sticky!  It’s hard to do anything on such a hot day!  Aren’t you hot?  How can you wear that (bolero sweater/long pants/closed shoes)?  Aren’t you miserable?  It’s just miserable!”  What reaction do you think that person’s bodymind system is having to this chanting?  That’s right: the person feels hotter and hotter.  And if you listen and/or repeat their comments, silently or to others, you will feel hotter!  Do not dismiss this as “just psychological”.  The sensations are real, and you have a right to live the best and most comfortable life you can construct for yourself.  So have several cheerful rejoinders to the heat-chanters ready when they start in.  The one I use most is (delivered in a light and cheery voice), “Yes!  You know, it’s almost like Phoenix in the summertime!”  Then I quickly leave the area so the chanter can’t argue.  Do not get sucked into anyone’s negativity!  You will pay for the indulgence with fatigue and an unclear mind.  If you are a person of faith, remember God wants you to use your creativity to make the most of your life and your gifts.

 

Do you want to live your best life now?  Good!  Then notice negative programming, make notes, and work toward creating the best brain, body, and lifestyle you can.  It’s up to you.

 

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 –Your comments welcome!–

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.

UpBeat Living: Keeping Your Relationship Long & Great

Tags

choices, fulfilled, happy, Relationships, romance, romantic relationship

Photo by Egidijus Mika

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

February is the month of romantic love.  We celebrate romantic love in many ways, with cards, candy, flowers, décor, and dinners.  People crave connection, and romantic love is perhaps the strongest sort of connection.  Singles seek connection with potential partners.  Couples, whether  married or living together, often celebrate their connection on Valentine’s Day.  Hopefully, those couples are planning to celebrate their relationships, how wonderful they are, and how long those relationships have lasted already.  Even more powerful is when each partner celebrates the other, who that person is, and what delight that partner brings to the marriage.  There is no need to wait until Valentine’s Day to celebrate.

However long a relationship has been, how can a couple keep their relationship enjoyable and engaging for a long time?  Marriage Therapist and author Todd Creagor, MCSW, has the answers.  In his book, The Long, Hot Marriage, Creagor says the overall goal is to create a durable connection that heals and makes each whole.  He says partners need to relate creatively, experiment, and generally expect and cultivate a level of change, to keep the relationship fresh, emotionally and sexually.

Creagor says for most couples, communication problems come from 3 dynamics:  the urge to prove oneself right, the need to vent, and defending oneself.  Most people dislike conflict and steer away from the inevitable disagreements, especially if condescension or raised voices are involved.  Avoiding pain creates distance between partners.  Therefore, ineffectively handling these dynamics can kill a relationship.  In his book, Creagor outlines considerations and strategies for keeping the conversation constructive between spouses.  In general, he says, choosing connection over control is a winning strategy for everyone.  Before you speak or act, ask yourself, “is this going to give me more or less of what I really want?”

Strengths Creagor suggests we all cultivate are our own health and well-being and the ability to hang in there while we are experiencing discomfort.  The better we feel overall, the more perceptive and relaxed we can be, and the better we handle any stress that comes along in the relationship.  So it is important to eat an energizing diet and be fit.  This will also help our sexual relationships, so why not start working your personal health program now?  Creagor says we can and should develop our “emotional muscles”, including our “listening muscles”.  When conflict arises, we can practice holding our ground, calming ourselves while remembering to listen to our partner and let him/her know we are listening.  And remember, keeping score is for sports, not relationships!

So how can couples keep the romance alive and the sexual dimension hot?  First, whenever you talk with your partner, ask yourself if you can be a positive influence on him/her.  Then, Creagor recommends each partner try one new romantic gesture each week, especially if the idea of romantic behavior is new to you.  A few examples might be:  Write a love poem.  Ask your partner what would be a romantic thing s/he would like, and do it.  Plan a date that consists of some quiet time together, such as a gondola ride, a walk on the beach, a horseback ride, bicycling, or a drive in the country.  Prepare a favorite romantic dinner and have it waiting when s/he comes home, with rose petals (ask any florist) strewn everywhere.

Whatever you have heard about women’s and men’s natures, the generalizations may not be true of your wife/husband.  You’ll need to observe whether s/he is more interested in cuddling and foreplay or in quick and steamy sex.  Prompt conversation about preferences, and be ready to stretch your comfort zone to try new things in the bedroom.  Realize your partner is always growing, too, and his/her preferences and interests may change over time.  All the more reason to stay flexible about a bit of experimentation.

Are you in a marriage or long-term relationship?  Do you want it to be as deep and fabulous as it can be?  Then follow these pointers, read the book for more, and your relationship can truly be The Long, Hot Marriage. 

— Comments welcome–

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Reach the writer at Kebba@kebba.com