Anger Stress: When Anger Is Really Something Else

Tags

Anger, Anger stress, Effective living, Kebba Buckley Button, peace within, stress, The life you want, UpBeat Living

© 2016 Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM.  World Rights Reserved.

© eelnosova – Fotolia

There are three main types of anger stress:  when you are burning with your own anger, when someone else is angry with you or dumping their anger on you, and when someone is actually hurt, but they seem to be angry.  In all these cases, it’s important to touch in with your Peace Within and stay grounded there.

A client called recently, ranting, to sound off about a tenant.  My client, “Jane”, has had an apparently wonderful woman, “Polly”, renting a condo from her for a few months.  Polly has been warm, courteous, and articulate, since they first met.  Jane had thought they would be neighbors for a long time.  She also thought they were becoming friends. Jane had even been referring work to Polly for her virtual assistant business. However, this morning, a night-owl neighbor called to ask if Jane knew Polly had moved out in the middle of the night.  WHAT?  The neighbor said Polly had backed a U-Haul up to the unit and moved out a all her belongings, between 1 a.m. and 2 a.m.  It flew through Jane’s mind that yesterday was the first of the month, and maybe this was Polly’s way of giving notice, of saying she did not intend to pay this month’s rent.

Heart sinking and ready to cry, Jane called Polly. First, Jane simply asked if she could pick up the rent today.  She was thinking, “[S]o you LIED to me?  So you’re a thief? So when you overcharged that client I referred to you, that was you being a con?   If you had given notice, I could have another tenant in that beautiful condo already!”  If Jane had said to Polly what she was thinking, she would have sounded very angry.  Polly launched into a long speech about her business not doing well and that basically, she had vacated.  She made no apology.  Jane bit her tongue and just listened.  Finally, she told Polly that if Polly had been open with her earlier, Jane could have had a replacement tenant ready to move in.  The condo is lovely and in a gorgeous, quiet neighborhood.

By this point in the conversation, Jane told me, her chest was tight and her heart literally hurt.  She was praying for direction.  Her head was beginning to throb and her eyes stung.  She quietly negotiated as best she could with Polly; Jane will be filing in court if Polly doesn’t pay this month’s rent shortly.  Jane kept her cool, was courteous with Polly, and got a promise from Polly to pay the current month’s rent “soon”.  At first, Jane wanted to loudly say nasty things to Polly.  She wanted to strike out at Polly.  That would have looked and sounded like anger.  But was she angry?

Actually, on sorting through her thoughts and feelings, Jane realized she was mainly surprised and hurt.  She felt betrayed.  She was beginning to see Polly as hardly an honest person.  She felt like she had been hit by something, and she said she just wanted to hit back!  So what could she do with those feelings?

In situations with anger stress, Step One is to keep your cool, getting in touch with your Peace Within and strength, calming yourself deeply.  Then be as effective as you can in negotiating with the other person.  Jane did this to an extent, but she will be practicing the deep calming technique more, in case of future surprises.  Step Two in difficult emotional situations is to deal privately with your feelings, journaling or talking it out for clarity, getting some exercise and drinking water, to dispel the physical symptoms of distress.  Or, of course, you can call a clergy person or counseling professional to talk it out with.  Step Three is to integrate what happened, letting your mind/spirit dimension settle the details and determine, in prayer or meditation, any further actions to be taken.  If you are not a person of faith, journaling and counseling may be your strongest tools.  Perhaps the person with whom you have had conflict is actually not a good person for you and your life?  Step Four is to take that action or say those things you have decided on.  And, at every step, if you are a person of faith, pray, for discernment and for the highest and best resolution.  St. Paul said (1 Thessalonians 5:17), “Pray without ceasing.”  So pray as often as you are moved to.  Or write in your journal and talk to your counselor.  Whatever you do, do NOT carry the heat of your feelings into the conversation with the other person.

When anger isn’t anger, be honest with yourself, and effective with others.  Take a little time to cool off and clear your mind.  If you are a spiritual person, take time to prayerfully heal.  After all, it’s your life.  And now you’re in Upbeat Living!

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, plus Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition. Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine. All the books are available through her office.  Just call, or email books@kebba.com. 
• Due to FaceBook changes, our FB likes look low.  Would you please click “Like” for this blog?  You’ll get our unending gratitude and a large uptick in your good kharma!
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: calendar@kebba.com .

Forgiving Makes You Powerful

Tags

Amish, Anger, Forgiveness, Grudges, Kebba, peace within, Resentment, stress

©2015  Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM.  World Rights Reserved.

 

© Yuri Zap – Fotolia

Think, for a minute, of someone you resent, because they did something hurtful to you. Notice how angry, tight, tired, and toxic you feel when you think of them? What about when you think of violence, like recent U.S. shootings between police and Black urbanites?

 

One of the highest and best things we can do, for ourselves and our loved ones, is to forgive. A bad divorce, a child who died young, a random shooting at a market, a loud neighbor—the list is endless. Some of us are carrying huge emotional burdens, due to past bad memories or perhaps current situations. Many hurts go on between relatives, friends, and communities. However, sometimes people manage to forgive, and the whole community is empowered. Allow yourself to be touched by the courageous forgiveness in this powerful true story.

 

On October 2, 2006, a pickup truck backed up to the front door of an Amish school. It was the West Nickel Mines School in Pennsylvania. A man who was angry at God went into the school, shot 10 girls and then himself. Five of the girls died. This small Amish community could have been devastated and could have shouted about discrimination, invasion, and revenge. They could have been consumed by resentment and hatred. They could have written books about their pain and sold the movie rights. They could have sued their way around the court system. They did no such thing.

 

 

“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die.”

~ The Dalai Lama

 

Instead, they forgave Charles Roberts, the gunman, who had been their milk delivery man. One of Roberts’ children had died the day she was born, and he could not forgive God for that loss. Amish leaders went to Roberts’ widow’s home, told her they had forgiven Roberts, and offered comfort for her and her children. Later, they took the widow toys for her children. Citing their faith, the Amish gave up any burden of hatred or resentment, embodied compassion, acted out their forgiveness, and fulfilled reconciliation. They went to Roberts’ funeral and stood with his bereaved family. They leveled the school and built a new one on a different site, calling it “The New Hope School”.

© teracreonte – Fotolia

 

“One of the secrets of a long and happy life is to forgive everybody everything before you go to bed each night.”

~ Bernard Baruch

 

 

Roberts’ widow came to the school dedication celebration, only 6 months after the shootings. The community had clearly declared a healing. A movie version of the story, Amish Grace, ran on the Lifetime Network, and Lifetime reported it was the most watched movie ever broadcast by their network. The movie is still available. Clearly, people are interested in forgiveness, unburdening of grudges, and the grace of reconciliation.

 

How would you have reacted if someone shot your child at his/her school? The Amish story raises afresh the question of what forgiveness is. A great definition is “giving up resentment or any claim for recompense for the wrong that has occurred.”

 

“Forgive us our wrongs as we forgive those who have wronged us.”

~ Jesus, on how to pray, Matthew 6:12

 

And research suggests resentment causes major stress for your mind and your cardiovascular system. Forgiveness can bring you peace within. If we can forgive personally and locally, can we forgive globally as well?

 

Are you holding any grudges? Would you like to feel better? Think of Amish grace. Try forgiving someone today, and notice how well you sleep tonight.

 

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office. Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com.
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: bookings@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Being Pleasant to the Unpleasant

Tags

Anger, Effective living, friendships, Kebba, Pleasant, Pleasantness, Relationships, social satisfaction, stress, Unpleasant

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Unpleasant people are an unfortunate fact of life.  They are not fun. They make us wince.  They cause our stomachs to knot up.  They sometimes try to generate conflict.  But now and then we have to deal with these people.  It’s crucial to be as congenial as you can be with them as well as with the sometimes-awful situations they can create.  The importance of being pleasant was brought home to me following a particular gathering of a cooking club to which I belonged.

For some reason, I couldn’t go that night, which may have been a good thing.  What happened became legendary to the club members. The club always cooked to a theme, and people would bring all the dishes, prepared, to the host’s home.  The host or hostess always coordinated the dishes well ahead of time.  This particular night, an hour into the meal, a notoriously late member of the group arrived.  He had not said he wanted to come, and all the dishes were arranged for.  This friend had brought some fresh seafood, which was irrelevant to the evening’s theme.  The hostess, wanting to be…pleasant, let this friend come in and participate.  One of the more expressive members asked why Mr. Seafood should be allowed to join the evening and asserted he should leave.  Mr. Seafood prepared his dish in the hostess’s kitchen from scratch, while the group moved on to dessert, according to the original plan.  In escalating tones, Mr. Expressive told Mr. Seafood that he should respect the group more and abide by the agreements: reserve ahead, prepare the dish in his own kitchen, and arrive on time, prepared.  Other voices began to rise.

Most agreed with Mr. Expressive in principle, and they were tired of Mr. Seafood behaving as he does, and had done for years.  However, they began to tell Mr. Expressive that it was best to be…pleasant.  No one wanted outright strife.  Then voices were raised on this point.  Two people actually tried the seafood dish during desert.  Raised voices turned to hurt feelings.  One couple said it was simply unacceptable to air unpleasant thoughts like this at a social gathering.  Mr. Expressive said, but he was right.  [And I was in strong agreement with him, in principle, while different people were telling me later about the evening’s events.]  Topping off the situation, the two who had tried the seafood dish got food poisoning from it.  The outcome was that the group never met again.  The stress of outright conflict was too uncomfortable for the group.

For a time, in an HOA situation, there was a neighbor who was especially critical of much of what went on with the community.  She would send verbally violent emails to Board members and neighbors, wildly angry about the gate needing repairs or the dumpsters being too full.  Online or in person, she would exclaim, “UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!”  Neighbors stopped responding to her emails, ignored her at Board meetings, and gradually steered away from her altogether.  She lost all her social equity, all her influence in the community, and all of what could have been friendships with many fine neighbors.  There is a level of blatant aggression and conflict that is simply too stressful for people, so they turn away.

The next time you find yourself with people expressing unpleasantly, be as pleasant as you can be, or remove yourself, if possible.  Laugh and make light remarks.  Be the one who breaks the tension if you have those skills. Even if you agree with the aggressor’s points, don’t join the tension, if you can avoid it.  You can always talk with the aggressor later, after things have cooled off.  To enjoy your relationships the most, smile and be easygoing.  You’re the one who will be invited back.

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● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Forgive to be Powerful

Tags

Anger, choices, exhausted, fatigue, Fear, Feeling energized, Forgiveness, Forgiving, fulfilled, healing, overcoming fear

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris can teach you what you need to know about finding forgiveness.  She has been teaching forgiveness and reconciliation around the world for the Institute for Multi-Track  Diplomacy (Washington, DC), the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) and the United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM).  The last time I saw her she had just returned from giving workshops in Kuwait.  Shortly, she is off to Rwanda, for the Healing Wounds of History Conference.  Wherever she goes, Dr. Borris transforms.

In her book, Finding Forgiveness, the Foreword is offered by none other than His Holiness, The Dalai Lama.  His Holiness points out that: “When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether.  We deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists of…it is possible to realize that the past is past, that continuing to feel anger and hatred serves no purpose.”

Dr. Borris’s core methodology involves 7 steps:  becoming clear, telling your story, working with anger, working with guilt, reframing the situation, absorbing pain, and gaining inner peace.  She does not ask you to deny the wrong that occurred.  She does not ask you to forget it.  She does not ask you to not-seek appropriate justice where a crime has occurred.  What she does do is expose the complexities of forgiveness and invite you to work this process, ultimately setting yourself free.

Why do we need to forgive?  The final purpose for the individual is empowerment.  You  are at choice at all times.  When you forgive, you get back your power over whoever made you their victim.  Dr. Borris makes the point that animals do not hate.  Hatred requires conceptual thought.  But humans are able to hold thoughts of hate and vengeance lifelong.  How much energy does this steal from a person’s general lifestyle, joy, health, and productivity?

Try this for a moment:  bring to mind some terrible personal injustice that was done to you, which you have had trouble forgetting.  Perhaps someone attacked you.  Perhaps a boss treated you badly or even fired you unfairly.  Perhaps Mom always loved your sibling better.  Perhaps someone badmouthed you, telling tales that were totally unfounded.  Bring this injustice to mind and feel vividly the emotions that come with it.  Did your heart hurt or your back tighten up between the shoulder blades?  Did your shoulder tops tighten painfully?  How about your neck, your head, or your stomach?  Do these sensations feel like they are blessing or enhancing your beingness in any way?  Of course not.  So what has the toll on your mind, heart, body, and spirit been, in the months or years since the injustice occurred?  Is that toll enriching your life in any way?  Of course not.

If you would like to challenge yourself, try the following  exercise.  Get a pen and paper, and make notes of your thoughts and experiences as you do this.  Imagine your life if the injustice had never occurred.  What hours would you have spent enjoying life and your loved ones?  Would your marriage be better?  What friendships might you have developed, based on sharing happiness and companionship, that you did not because of the injustice?  How well would you have slept?  What excellent health would you have had all this time?  How much better would your concentration have been, on the job or in fulfilling recreation or charity work?  Would you have earned more money?  So what if you could have forgiven this injustice early in the game, and not spent any of this time on distraction, negativity, complaining, and generally experiencing a burden?  These may be tough questions for many of us.

Whatever your faith basis, does it make sense to hang onto any burden you do not need to hang onto?  You are always at choice.  What is your willingness to possibly hang up self-burdening beliefs about the importance of an injustice to you?  If these questions are provocative for you, why not pursue them further?  Your journey can be very freeing.

Now imagine living in a community where everyone is compassionate, everyone forgives and there is no impulse for revenge.  Now imagine that in the World community.  Countries would be waging peace, not war.  Imagine.

Some resources for further reading and techniques include:  Bruderhof Forgiveness Guide (www.foregivenessguide.org), A Course In Miracles (acim.org), Forgiveness Foundation (forgivenessfoundation.org), and the Forgiveness Project (forgivenessproject.com).

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● Your comments welcome!

 ● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Grudges and Amish Grace

Tags

Anger, choices, Forgiveness, Grief, Grudges, Radical forgiveness, Resentment, responsible, stress, stuck, unstuck

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

On October 2, 2006, a pickup truck backed up to the front door of an Amish school.  It was the West Nickel Mines School in Pennsylvania.  A man who was angry at God went into the school, shot 10 girls and then himself.  Five of the girls died.  This small Amish community could have been devastated and could have shouted about discrimination, invasion, and revenge.  They could have been consumed by resentment and hatred. They could have written books about their pain and sold the movie rights.  They could have sued their way around the court system.  They did no such thing.

Instead, they forgave Charles Roberts, the gunman, who had been their milk delivery man.  One of Roberts’ children had died the day she was born, and he could not forgive God for that loss.  Amish leaders went to Roberts’ widow’s home, told her they had forgiven Roberts, and offered comfort for her and her children.  Later, they took the widow toys for her children.  Citing their faith, the Amish gave up any burden of hatred or resentment, embodied compassion, acted out their forgiveness, and fulfilled reconciliation.  They went to Roberts’ funeral and stood with his bereaved family.  They leveled the school and built a new one on a different site, calling it “The New Hope School”.

Roberts’ widow came to the dedication celebration, only 6 months after the shootings.  The community had clearly declared a healing.  A movie version of the story, “Amish Grace”, ran on the Lifetime Network, and Lifetime reported it was the most watched movie ever broadcast by their network.  Clearly, people are interested in forgiveness, unburdening of grudges, and the grace of reconciliation.

The Amish story raises afresh the question of what forgiveness is.  A great definition is “giving up resentment or any claim for recompense for the wrong that has occurred.”  This doesn’t mean one has to forget the wrong ever happened.  In the Christian faith, Jesus taught that no limit should be set on the extent of forgiveness (Luke 17:4).  Also, an unforgiving spirit is regarded as a sin (Matt 18:34-35 and Luke 15:28-30).  In teaching The Lord’s Prayer (Matt 6:9-13, Luke 11:2-4), Jesus instructed the Disciples to pray,  “…and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  So one will be forgiven by God only to the extent one is forgiving to those who have wronged oneself.

In the modern program, Radical Forgiveness, author Colin Tipping says that ordinary forgiveness means, “You did that to me, but I’ll let you off the hook and forgive you.”

Tipping wants people to go a large step further.  He believes in a loving God who has plans for all of us, and that God makes things happen that are good for us.  So nothing is “bad”.  No wrong has occurred.  The Divine Plan has been unfolding for our spiritual growth.  For those who make the perspective shift that no wrong actually occurred, Tipping says, their emotional release can be virtually instant.

Normal forgiveness commonly takes years, and research suggests it takes a toll on your mind and cardiovascular system.  The field of psychology is not yet in total agreement on the exact definition of “forgiveness”.  But many are promoting the practice for individual, community, and world benefits.  If we can forgive personally and locally, can we forgive globally as well?

Are you holding any grudges?  Would you like to feel better?  Think of Amish grace. Try forgiving someone today, and notice how well you sleep tonight.

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–Your comments welcome!–

 

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Top Tips for Retorts

Tags

Anger, choices, energy, exhausted, fatigue, friendships, Insults, Nasty people, Negativity, Retorts, stress, Upset

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

This column focuses on assisting people in getting the most joy and satisfaction out of life, even improved health and less aging.  One of the main ways to leverage life from what you have to what you want is to stop managing stress sources and manage your energy instead.  Difficult people are a very common source of stress.  They can totally suck your energy and leave you exhausted and frustrated– if you let them.  How to deal with them is the subject of some columns here and a number of books.  Knowing exactly what to say to them is an art.  To respond quickly and effectively to difficult and nasty comments is an important skill set.   If you are one of those people with a fast wit, who always has a funny quip to break the  tension, great!  However, if not, and if you want to feel good instead of hurt, distracted, and tired in these situations, here are some top tips to use for retorts.

Tip #1.  For a quick insult or nasty comment, don’t react at all.  A person who walks up and says something rude to you is trying to get a rise from you.  We often have the illusion that telling them how exactly they have offended or hurt us will somehow cause them to change.  Remember “assertiveness”, circa 1985? That’s a waste of time with someone who is trying to hurt you.  Telling them how you feel will only satisfy them and increase their approaches.  Assume they will never change, or at least that changing them is not your personal mission.  Observe your blood pressure rising and your stomach and other muscles tightening while you are around this person.  This is hurting your health, your stomach lining, and your blood pressure.  This in turn erodes the integrity of your kidney valves and enlarges your heart.  Does this person have the right to do that to you?  No.  What will work best for your energy management?  Perhaps simply turning away.  And no cheating with a derisive expression—look neutral, as though the person never spoke.  Don’t give them energy.

Tip #2.   To respond to a quick verbal assault, with a cheerful smile on your face, say something extremely short and globally pleasant, such as, “Well, bless your heart!”  Then walk away with a pleasant smile still on your face.

Tip #3.  If the person has just made you the butt of a joke in front of others, with a cheerful smile on your face, and possibly a little laugh, say, “Isn’t it wonderful we all have such a great sense of humor!”  Then quietly walk away.  No flouncing!  No making faces other than pleasant neutrality.  If you think they were trying to humiliate you, they were.  If you can pretend you found the humiliating circumstance funny, do that, laugh, and again, walk away, because you are very busy and need to get to your next meeting/deadline/appointment.  If you laugh with the person, they get no satisfaction and they will try again.  They may act like you are clueless and failed to get the put-down. In this case, they will say, “Oh (Name)!  You’re so funny!”  Then your best line is one of non-resistance: “I know!  I’m a very funny wo/man!”  At this point, if you are a very good actress/actor, you can really drive your attacker—and that is what the person is—crazy by continuing to stand with the group for another minute or two, smiling and being apparently perfectly comfortable.

Tip #4.  If you must see this person regularly, at work, at your social organization, at family events, or at school/training, keep it light, cheerful, and brief with them whenever you must cross paths.  Others are dealing with the same issues with this person, so you have silent support.  If it’s an instructor, switch to another section or take the class at another campus.  Eventually, his/her classes will be so small that he/she will no longer be hired as an instructor there.

You have a right to lead a healthy and happy life. Be brief in dealing with anything negative. Soon, you will notice your stamina rising and your true cheer taking over. Why not go for it?

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— Comments welcome!–

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Do Upset and Rage Help?

Tags

Anger, Charlie Sheen, choices, energy, exhausted, fatigue, Feeling energized, Rage, stress, stuck

(c) 2010 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

If you had “upset” a vase full of flowers, what would that look like?  It might look like the vase was now on its side, or smashed on the ground, with the flowers and water all over.  Would it help the vase, the flowers, or the water, to be “upset”?  Maybe your cat knocked the vase over, probably without intending to.  Every element would now be in disarray, none fulfilling its purpose or providing any joy.  There is no benefit in the vase being “upset”.

The same is true of humans.  We have a choice as to whether something will “upset” us, or turn us on our side.  Would you be upset if a cat knocked over your vase of flowers?  Would you be less upset if the cat were your favorite, the vase generic, and the flowers from someone you detested?  What if you learned, right after the vase was smashed, that the flowers were a rare, expensive type, sent by a dear loved one who you just learned had gone into hospice this morning?  Would you feel more grief over the same scene?  The scene would be the same, but your interpretation would be different.  You would choose a different type and level of response, based on your ideas about the same scene.  What would be the most effective way to respond?  Calmly and quickly?

Celebrity news is great for illustrating basics of living, at a dramatic level.  This morning we read that Charlie Sheen went into a rage and trashed a hotel room 2 mornings ago.  The damage, including a broken chandelier, is said by USAToday.com to have been about $7000.  And why was this successful actor so upset that he was actually in a rage, tearing up his hotel room at the Plaza in New York?  Police called to the scene said he was having trouble finding his wallet and cellphone after spending time with a professional purveyor of sexual pleasure.  His response was to rip apart various things in the room.

Did he really think the chandelier was hiding his wallet and cellphone, thus deserving to be punched out?  Famous for spending time with, um, purveyors, did he not yet have a procedure to protect himself?  Does he not always leave the cash in the bedside table and tuck his wallet and phone in the lining of his suitcase, or in the room safe?  He was at choice when he hired the, um, purveyor.  He was at choice when he put his objects wherever in the room.  He was at choice getting drunk or taking drugs.  He was at choice when he realized his objects were in no obvious location.  He was at choice when he went into a rage and chose to tear up hotel property.  He would also have been at choice, had he quietly called hotel security to assist him, his cel company to turn off his phone, and the, um, purveyor’s provider to report the issue.

Charlie Sheen’s choices resulted in police being called and Charlie owing the hotel thousands of dollars.  In addition, he is seen again as a person who has no control, or rather, a person who makes lousy choices that work for no one.  And the worst effect?  His ex-wife and their two daughters were staying in the same hotel.  While Charlie was choosing his behaviors, was he considering what his daughters would think of him?  You decide.  You choose.