Healthy Happy Loving Life: Handling Contempt

Tags

changing your channel, contempt, friendships, Healthy Happy Loving Life, Journaling, Relationships, social satisfaction

© 2022 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

Image by megapixl

Over coffee,  a friend related a remarkable recent interaction she had with someone’s contempt.  She was at an event, chatting with a friendly acquaintance she had known and admired for many years.  Suddenly, she realized the friend was speaking to her with clipped disdain and narrowed, “steely” eyes.  He clearly disliked her and held her in contempt! He expressed complete disrespect for her professional worth and work.  My friend has long admired this man and his work, and she has often chimed in when his name came up in conversation, when people spoke of how valuable his work was.  She has referred clients to him.  She liked him, until this moment of sudden realization. She had no idea what was going on– clearly something behind the scenes.  She was shocked to realize the intensity of his disdain for her, and his willingness to express it in public!  While she knew she had never done anything to the colleague or made negative remarks about him, he had formulated very negative views and feelings about her.  She was tempted to feel terrible.  Wisely, she left the room for awhile, then chatted with others until the end of the event.

Image by megapixl

I congratulated my friend on leaving the room, shifting the energy, and thereby changing her channel.  If the man hates her, she doesn’t owe it to him to take in more of his hatred.   I asked her if she had done a few complete breaths, exhaling first.  She said yes, that was her second strategy, and it felt good!  Later, either journaling or hitting the treadmill would also help discharge her emotions about the negative encounter.

So what about the best ongoing strategies?   If people have been making up negative stories to tell this man, and that is why he has been so negative to my friend, there is little she can do to counter those stories.  Making up stories is a time-honored human habit.  It is so common it is even mentioned in the Bible.  Rather than trying to dig into the cause of the negativity, it is much better for her to be her best self and let her accomplishments and true character shine.  People adjust quickly to positive changes we make.  Even those who held negative beliefs about us can forget those when they have new, positive experiences with us.

My friend plans to steer clear of the colleague as much as possible, stop referring clients to him, (certainly!) and keep the most positive thoughts and friends.  She wisely believes she cannot control anyone else, their thoughts, or their comments.  But she can control where she puts her attention and energy.  And besides, there are about 7 BILLION other people on the Planet for future friendship and business.  She doesn’t need this one person.

So in awkward situations, make your best call: is it worth any time or energy to even respond?  Only you can control where you put your attention and energy. And that will be you, too, ever more Healthy Happy and Loving Life^sm!

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Kebba Buckley Button is a stress/energy management expert, holistic healer, and award-winning author who celebrates life.  She has a longtime natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. Among her books are: Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), Inspirations for Peace Within:  Quotes and Images to Uplift and Inspire, and Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine.  The books are available on Amazon and through Kebba’s office.   They are also available in Scottsdale, Arizona, at the Franciscan Renewal Center bookstore and at the bookstore at St. Barnabas on the Desert Episcopal Church. Or simply email us to order:  kebba@kebba.com .  Thank you!

Books by Kebba Buckley Button

 

UpBeat Living: More Love

Tags

joy, Love, social satisfaction

© 2014 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

Photo by Egidijus Mika

It’s February, and love is in the air.  February 14^th is Valentines’ Day, and despite the dubious pedigree of the day, people adore celebrating it.  In stores and online, we see special cards, foods, and trinkets created just for this holiday.  There are heart-shaped jewelery items, mugs and trays, together with pink- and red heart-bedecked socks, purses, and sweaters.  Candy makers offer heart-shaped candies and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates.  Love-themed movies are released in time for Valentines’ Day.  Collections of love songs are released.  Restaurants offer romantic dinner specials.

Nowhere is enthusiasm for love more evident than in the romance novel industry.  There are NASCAR romances, historical romances, suspense romances, inspirational romances, and even inspirational suspense romances.  Romance novels are the fastest growing segment of the e-book market and comprise 55% of all paperback book sales.  Readers, it seems, are very interested in love.

For singles, the 5 top U.S. matching services have a combined 64 million members.  There are companies that help many specific groups of singles:  straight and gay; Christian, Jewish, Messianic Jewish, and LDS; Latin, Black, Chinese, Asian, Russian, Australian; Military; overweight (their word, not mine); and SoCal, Virginia, and Capital Area (DC).  The unattached can meet at dances, at dinners, through a matchmaker, or online.  If you are looking, just be ready to answer many questions about yourself.  What are your real attitudes and values, your shining traits and the irksome ones?  Is there anything you want to change about you, before you meet the One of your dreams?  What are you really looking for in your match?  You may as well be honest, with so many potential partners out there.

For people in committed relationships, this is a great time of year to celebrate all that’s wonderful about your spouse or Particular Friend.  I like to pull my husband aside and say, “You know, I only love you because…” and then I go on for many sentences, about how great and amazing and enjoyable he is.  If you pull this stunt, be sure you have picked a time when your beloved is not in the middle of solving an accounting problem or just starting to dial the phone.

People communicate love most with words, touching, gifting, doing-for, quality time, and money (think, teenagers).  Are there ways in which your beloved has been expressing love to you, and you’ve been missing it?  Are there different ways in which you can share your love with him/her?  The number one thing that makes people feel loved is being listened to.  This year, would you like to give that gift to your beloved?  Often?  You may be surprised at the great results.

So where else and how else would you like to give love?  Do you have a family member that needs more time and conversation?  Is there an older person from your church who needs help?  Within your community, do assistance agencies pull your heartstrings?  Is Habitat for Humanity calling you?  Is animal rescue or food bank service or soup kitchen volunteering tugging at the back of your mind?  Paul McCartney wrote and sang about love, more than any other subject.  He sang, “And in the end/the love you take/is equal to the love/you make”.  Give from the heart, and you’ll be singing “Baby, I’m amazed!”

________________________________________________________

● Kebba Buckley Button is the author of the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition).   It’s a book to keep with you constantly, to quickly recharge your Peace Within, with quotes, photos, and poems that take you directly there!  Kebba is a corporate stress management trainer, and she also has a holistic healing practice.

● Liked this article?  Why not buy Kebba’s books?  Just click the links!

• Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core (Second Edition) (http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc)             
• Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br). 

● Enjoyed this post?  Please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column!  You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma.

● Please leave a comment!  

 

UpBeat Living: Being Pleasant to the Unpleasant

Tags

Anger, Effective living, friendships, Kebba, Pleasant, Pleasantness, Relationships, social satisfaction, stress, Unpleasant

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Unpleasant people are an unfortunate fact of life.  They are not fun. They make us wince.  They cause our stomachs to knot up.  They sometimes try to generate conflict.  But now and then we have to deal with these people.  It’s crucial to be as congenial as you can be with them as well as with the sometimes-awful situations they can create.  The importance of being pleasant was brought home to me following a particular gathering of a cooking club to which I belonged.

For some reason, I couldn’t go that night, which may have been a good thing.  What happened became legendary to the club members. The club always cooked to a theme, and people would bring all the dishes, prepared, to the host’s home.  The host or hostess always coordinated the dishes well ahead of time.  This particular night, an hour into the meal, a notoriously late member of the group arrived.  He had not said he wanted to come, and all the dishes were arranged for.  This friend had brought some fresh seafood, which was irrelevant to the evening’s theme.  The hostess, wanting to be…pleasant, let this friend come in and participate.  One of the more expressive members asked why Mr. Seafood should be allowed to join the evening and asserted he should leave.  Mr. Seafood prepared his dish in the hostess’s kitchen from scratch, while the group moved on to dessert, according to the original plan.  In escalating tones, Mr. Expressive told Mr. Seafood that he should respect the group more and abide by the agreements: reserve ahead, prepare the dish in his own kitchen, and arrive on time, prepared.  Other voices began to rise.

Most agreed with Mr. Expressive in principle, and they were tired of Mr. Seafood behaving as he does, and had done for years.  However, they began to tell Mr. Expressive that it was best to be…pleasant.  No one wanted outright strife.  Then voices were raised on this point.  Two people actually tried the seafood dish during desert.  Raised voices turned to hurt feelings.  One couple said it was simply unacceptable to air unpleasant thoughts like this at a social gathering.  Mr. Expressive said, but he was right.  [And I was in strong agreement with him, in principle, while different people were telling me later about the evening’s events.]  Topping off the situation, the two who had tried the seafood dish got food poisoning from it.  The outcome was that the group never met again.  The stress of outright conflict was too uncomfortable for the group.

For a time, in an HOA situation, there was a neighbor who was especially critical of much of what went on with the community.  She would send verbally violent emails to Board members and neighbors, wildly angry about the gate needing repairs or the dumpsters being too full.  Online or in person, she would exclaim, “UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!”  Neighbors stopped responding to her emails, ignored her at Board meetings, and gradually steered away from her altogether.  She lost all her social equity, all her influence in the community, and all of what could have been friendships with many fine neighbors.  There is a level of blatant aggression and conflict that is simply too stressful for people, so they turn away.

The next time you find yourself with people expressing unpleasantly, be as pleasant as you can be, or remove yourself, if possible.  Laugh and make light remarks.  Be the one who breaks the tension if you have those skills. Even if you agree with the aggressor’s points, don’t join the tension, if you can avoid it.  You can always talk with the aggressor later, after things have cooled off.  To enjoy your relationships the most, smile and be easygoing.  You’re the one who will be invited back.

_____________________________________________________________

● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Grace in Grief

Tags

energy, Feeling energized, Grief, healing, social satisfaction, stress, Stress Management, stress tips

© 2012  Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM. World Rights Reserved.

Photo by Kebba Buckley Button

This week brought news of the deaths of three longtime friends.  The comments flying back and forth in email brought back vivid memories of the friends, together with great stories that were new to me, shared by others. It was hard to create short newsletter blurbs about how these friends would be missed.  Everything I wrote brought to mind more ways the departed had shared their love, their laughter, and their creative gifts.

Grief hurts, grief takes its own time, and grief takes so many forms.  The late psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross evolved a model of five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  A few people seem to be able to shrug and directly accept that a loved one has ceased to be with us.  Some grieve for years, appearing to be in perpetual sadness.  Occasionally, this takes the form of leaving the deceased person’s belongings untouched, as though the person is still present but out of the room.  England’s Queen Victoria so passionately loved Prince Albert that, upon his death, all household members were required to wear black—until Victoria’s death.  The Queen apparently was uninterested in moving from depression to acceptance.

More commonly, many people feel alternating waves of memories, sadness, and loss.  Many have trouble concentrating on anything but the departed and their loss.  Some get physical symptoms such as fatigue, chest pain, and shortness of breath.  Some pray.  Some seek counseling.  Some spend time alone.  Some get irritable because they are stuffing their feelings. But the goal is to move through the discomforts and, on your own schedule, get to the fifth stage, acceptance.

Can you help yourself move through grief faster?  Of course, counseling can help.  Fortunately, there are also some things you can do without a professional, to shorten your grief process.  These are seven top choices.

–          Journal.  Find a quiet time and place to start writing down your memories of the loved one and the times you shared together.  Be sure to include detailing the best things you will remember about this person.  How did they inspire you?  Forget any conflicts you had and focus solely on the good.

–          Write them a letter.  Write to the loved one as though they have been transferred.  Share all your best memories, and tell them you miss them.  Notice how much lighter you feel.

–          Go to the service.  Stay for the cookies and punch.  If there is a funeral, a mass, a memorial service, or a memories lunch, go.  Don’t worry if you are not from the same faith tradition.  Follow the cues of those leading the service, and you will be fine.  The officiant and the family are expecting people of all backgrounds.  Feel your feelings, cry your tears, and share your memories with the other loved ones there.  Introduce yourself to the family members and tell them you are so sorry for their loss.  Tell them what a great friend the loved one was, and that you are grateful to have had many years of friendship.

–          Write in the online memory book and Facebook.  The funeral home will have an online memory book, and your fond memories will be a great gift to the family.  Send a note if there is no online memory book.  Post on Facebook.  While the person’s account will disappear as soon as Facebook knows they are deceased, you and your friends can share online.

–          Give something in their memory.  According to your budget, endow a chair at a university, start a foundation, create a cookie and name it after them.  Give a personalized brick for that newly restored theater.  Volunteer a few hours at their favorite soup kitchen or food bank.

–          Share your photos.  The family may never have seen those shots you took of your friend beaming at you on the hiking trail.  Email the photos to the family, church, or funeral home, with notes on who else is in the frame and when and where it was taken.  These will be treasured for years.

–          Get your fresh air and exercise.  Your DHEA levels will have plummeted when you got the news your friend had died.  This is part of what makes mourners depressed and tired.  Easy hikes in beautiful areas, walks at the Botanical Garden, swimming at the lake, or yoga in your yard will all calm and restore you, as well as returning your DHEA levels to normal.

Everyone has lost loved ones, and each has handled it differently.  May your memories be strong and beautiful.  And may you move through your grief process, to the extent possible, with ease and grace.

–Comments welcome!–

Reach the author at: kebba@kebba.com

UpBeat Living: Assuming Consumes

Tags

Assumptions, choices, friendships, holiday stress, Kebba, Relationships, social satisfaction, stress

Photo by Jessica Thomas

© 2011, Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Do you ever catch yourself assuming something not in evidence?  Yesterday, I was going over some details of a column with a colleague I was going to quote.  I described the circular communion rail in Fr. Jim Clark’s church, assuming it had become circular during a recent massive remodel of the east end of the sanctuary.  Fr. Jim kindly brought me up to speed, letting me know that the circular design has been in place for many years.  I was only in the church, St. Barnabas Episcopal Church, once before the remodel, and that was for a funeral.  When I was there for the funeral, I was sad and crying and preoccupied with concern for the bereaved family.  My brain simply did not record the fact that there was a circular communion rail.  So, some years later, my brain simply made it up that the communion rail became circular during the remodel finished this year.  In this case, no harm done.

Occasionally, someone’s brain fills in blanks with assumptions about us, where there are no facts, or the facts are the opposite of the resulting assumptions.  In this kind of case, great harm can result.  One year, I went to a New Year’s Eve singles party with a group of single friends.  I drink very little, because alcohol makes me tired.  So I had only had 2 sips of champagne at midnight, enjoying the ritual of welcoming in the New Year.  Otherwise, I drank water all evening; we also danced for hours.  I felt great.  One friend got so drunk that at 12:15 am, the rest of us, all 6, walked her to her car and repeatedly offered, in different ways, to drive her home.  Oddly, the drunk friend kept inquiring if each of us was okay to drive.  In the course of our extended conversation, trying to convince her to let us drive her home, she turned her concern to me; I replied that, no, I was fine, I had had only had 2 sips of champagne.  The next day, I received a 6-minute voicemail from the previous night’s drunk friend, condemning me for drinking so heavily!  In serious and angry tones, her rant let me know how low a human I was.  She said if I wanted to abuse my body by drinking heavily and hurting my brain and liver, that was one thing.  However, she said- now in passionately angry tones- that if I wanted to drink heavily like that and then drive, that was another thing and inexcusable behavior!  I tried to talk with her, but she was completely committed to the idea that I was the drunk and dangerous one.  I gave up my friendship with her.  Several years later, she decided I had gotten over my Problem and let me know she had forgiven me!  I still avoid her.  Her assumptions consumed our relationship.

What do you believe about people and situations?  How much of your belief system about each friend or colleague is based on fact, and how much on imagination?  If you are disturbed by someone’s behavior, is your discomfort based on actual interaction?  Or is it based on your ideas about why they said and did what they said and did?  When you are frustrated by a situation, try writing down what you actually know, what you guess, and what came from rumors.  Eliminate the conjecture for a clearer picture, and try starting fresh.  Will you let assuming consume you?  It’s up to you.

________________________________________________________________

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.

UpBeat Living: More Love

Tags

joy, Love, social satisfaction

© 2011 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

It’s February, and love is in the air.  February 14^th is Valentines’ Day, and despite the dubious pedigree of the day, people adore celebrating it.  In stores and online, we see special cards, foods, and trinkets created just for this holiday.  There are heart-shaped jewelery items, mugs and trays, together with pink- and red heart-bedecked socks, purses, and sweaters.  Candy makers offer heart-shaped candies and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates.  Love-themed movies are released in time for Valentines’ Day.  Collections of love songs are released.  Restaurants offer romantic dinner specials.

Nowhere is enthusiasm for love more evident than in the romance novel industry.  There are NASCAR romances, historical romances, suspense romances, inspirational romances, and even inspirational suspense romances.  Romance novels are the fastest growing segment of the e-book market and comprise 55% of all paperback book sales.  Readers, it seems, are very interested in love.

For singles, the 5 top U.S. matching services have a combined 64 million members.  There are companies that help many specific groups of singles:  straight and gay; Christian, Jewish, Messianic Jewish, and LDS; Latin, Black, Chinese, Asian, Russian, Australian; Military; overweight (their word, not mine); and SoCal, Virginia, and Capital Area (DC).  The unattached can meet at dances, at dinners, through a matchmaker, or online.  If you are looking, just be ready to answer many questions about yourself.  What are your real attitudes and values, your shining traits and the irksome ones?  Is there anything you want to change about you, before you meet the One of your dreams?  What are you really looking for in your match?  You may as well be honest, with so many potential partners out there.

For people in committed relationships, this is a great time of year to celebrate all that’s wonderful about your spouse or Particular Friend.  I like to pull my husband aside and say, “You know, I only love you because…” and then I go on for many sentences, about how great and amazing and enjoyable he is.  If you pull this stunt, be sure you have picked a time when your beloved is not in the middle of solving an accounting problem or just starting to dial the phone.

People communicate love most with words, touching, gifting, doing-for, quality time, and money (think, teenagers).  Are there ways in which your beloved has been expressing love to you, and you’ve been missing it?  Are there different ways in which you can share your love with him/her?  The number one thing that makes people feel loved is being listened to.  This year, would you like to give that gift to your beloved?  Often?  You may be surprised at the great results.

So where else and how else would you like to give love?  Do you have a family member that needs more time and conversation?  Is there an older person from your church who needs help?  Within your community, do assistance agencies pull your heartstrings?  Is Habitat for Humanity calling you?  Is animal rescue or food bank service or soup kitchen volunteering tugging at the back of your mind?  Paul McCartney wrote and sang about love, more than any other subject.  He sang, “And in the end/the love you take/is equal to the love/you make”.  Give from the heart, and you’ll be singing “Baby, I’m amazed!”

________________________________________________________

 

Reach the writer at Kebba@kebba.com

 

 

 

UpBeat Living: Handling Contempt

Tags

energy, energy foods, Fear, friendships, fulfilled, Health, social satisfaction

Over coffee,  a friend related a remarkable recent interaction she had.  She was at an event, chatting with a friendly acquaintance she had known and admired for many years.  Suddenly, she realized the friend was speaking to her with clipped disdain and narrowed, “steely” eyes.  He clearly disliked her and held her in contempt.  He expressed complete disrespect for her professional worth and work.  My friend has long admired this man and his work, and she has often chimed in when his name came up in conversation, when people spoke of how valuable his work was.  She has referred clients to him.  She liked him, until this moment of sudden realization.  She was shocked to realize the intensity of his disdain for her.  While she knew she had never done anything to the colleague or made negative remarks about him, he had formulated very negative views and feelings about her.  She was tempted to feel terrible.  Wisely, she left the room for awhile, then chatted with others until the end of the event.

I congratulated my friend on leaving the room, shifting the energy.  If the man hates her, she doesn’t owe it to him to take in more of his hatred.   I asked her if she had done a few complete breaths.  She said yes, that was her second strategy, and it felt good!  Later, either journaling or hitting the treadmill would also help discharge her emotions about the negative encounter.

So what about the best ongoing strategies?   If people have been making up negative stories to tell this man, and that is why he has been so negative to my friend, there is little she can do to counter those stories.  Making up stories is a time-honored human habit.  It is so common it is even mentioned in the Bible.  Rather than trying to dig into the cause of the negativity, it is much better for her to be her best self and let her accomplishments and true character shine.  People adjust quickly to positive changes we make.  Even those who held negative beliefs about us can forget those when they have new, positive experiences with us.

My friend plans to steer clear of the colleague as much as possible, stop referring clients to him, and keep the most positive thoughts and friends.  She wisely believes she cannot control anyone else, their thoughts, or their comments.  But she can control where she puts her attention and energy.

UpBeat Living: God Bless the USA

Tags

energy, grateful, Gratitude, happy, Kebba, Patriotism, social satisfaction

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© Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Every day, I give thanks that I live in this country.  Nowhere else are so many people so free.  Take a moment each day to just feel your gratitude, and notice the Good flowing more freely in your life.

Here is a magnificent short video that celebrates “Proud to be an American”.

God bless you and God bless the USA.

______________________________________________________________________

Reach Kebba at Kebba@DiscoverTheSecretEnergizedYou.com .