UpBeat Living: Caring, Acceptance and Letting Go

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Acceptance, Caring, Kebba Buckley Button, Letting go, Relationships, UpBeat Living

© 2016 Kebba Buckley Button, MS,OM.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Relationships all have a balance of caring, acceptance and letting go.  We find happiness and well-being in finding the best balance.  That’s what I want you to find:  the balance that puts you in Upbeat Living^sm.

At one time, I knew a man whose life had just changed, in every major aspect.  His relationship, his career, and the part of town he lived in had all changed quite recently.   He was feeling highly impacted by all these things shifting at once, even though he was looking forward to the positive results and new horizons.  He seemed shell-shocked.  He was trying meditation as a means to collect his wandering, stressed consciousness and perhaps help him feel grounded again.  He was aware of a need to emotionally let go of his previous ideas of who he was, and also to let go of connection he had had with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues.    Unable to let go, he was in great pain.

The more we hang on to the past, the stronger we grip the ties that bind, the more we give the bonds strength.  For example, what if we care about a relative or romantic interest who does not care much about us?  The more we focus on the love we want, that we are not getting from that person, the more energy we are giving the relationship, and the stronger the bond is—on our part.  Continuing to love and ache for returned love, from a person who does not return those feelings, is unrewarding.  I once heard this described as, “going to a hardware store looking for milk”.  Yet, giving up that one-sided caring may be extremely painful.  And we must give it up.

For people of faith: the Bible encourages us, in a number of places, to let go of the past and embrace the future we are co-creating with God.  For example, Isaiah 43: 18-19 offers,

Forget the former things.  Do not dwell on the past.  Behold, I am doing a new thing:  now it springs up.  Do you not see it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Twenty years ago, I had a clear-cut experience of needing to let go.  A pleasant couple who were neighbors of mine suddenly moved away.   I was very fond of them and thought of them as friends.  Yet, I found out they were leaving only hours before the moving van removed them from my street.  My heart felt such a jolt!  I asked myself what I was “missing” so strongly.  I was very fond of the couple and yet knew that our friendship really never got off the ground.  I would probably not hear from them again.  So what were these pangs?  Then my young self realized:  while it is always good to like and admire people, and to wish them the best, I needed to let go of the idea that we would become friends someday.  Oh yes!  Time to laugh at my humanity.  And I did laugh!  And then I was able to let go.

When we are not getting the caring or love we want from a relationship, whether it’s Mom, a lover, or a friend, our biggest tool is acceptance.  We need to adjust our feelings to fit the reality we now see.  We need to move into acceptance to move out of hurt.  Once we accept that we will never get what we once wanted, we have our power.  We can let go.

When we let go, we get on with our relationships – with those who do reciprocate.  When caring is mutual, life is more fun and fulfilling.  So who and what do you need to let go of, to move on and live your best life? Because that’s Upbeat Living!

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Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is an ordained minister whose passion is helping people find their Peace Within. She also a stress management expert and has a natural healing practice.  She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), and Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition. Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine.  Both that book and Peace Within are available through her office.  Just email books@kebba.com. 
• Would you like  an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group? Just email  calendar@kebba.com .

Opinion Stress: What You Think of Me Is None of My Business

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achieving goals, acid stress, at choice, Effective living, Kebba Buckley Button, Letting go, moving on, Releasing, UpBeat Living

© 2015 Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM. World Rights Reserved.

 

Fotolia

 

Now be honest: how many times today did you consider someone else’s ideas about you? How many decisions did you make because someone else would or would not like exactly what you did? If your hair is royal blue and forms a peak across the center of your skull, maybe this isn’t you. Or maybe it is.

 

As a stress management expert, I want you to navigate as freely and joyfully through your life as you can. I want you to find the greatest health and fulfillment you can. And that means dealing firmly with the things that cause you stress, pain, and fatigue.  The results are a lifestyle I call Upbeat Living, always emphasizing the Up beat, like the music term.

 

One of the things I see most draining people is the desire to make a choice that is harmless to others, but there is fear of others’ opinions. So many of these fears are small. For example: you’re having lunch with a vegetarian, but you really crave a burger, and that’s better for your metabolism; you’re afraid to order what you want, for fear of disapproval. Or you want to cut your hair short and dye it vivid red, but you’re afraid of negative feedback in the workplace or that the one you’re dating will be less attracted to you. But some of these fears are bigger: maybe you want to leave your current financial career that’s sucking your soul dry. But you’re afraid your family will disown you if you become a chef.

 

Argue for your limitations and they are yours.

~ Rev. Terry Cole-Whittaker

 

If the vegetarian expresses disapproval of your lunch order, the message is that you are wrong—not worthy. If your workplace expresses disapproval of your hair color, the message is that you are wrong—not worthy—for their group. And if your family would disown you for quitting your draining job and becoming a chef, the message is that you are wrong and not worthy.

 

Several decades ago, I encountered a book by (Rev.) Terry Cole-Whittaker, with the most amusing title: What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business. Cole-Whittaker believes firmly that each of us is already a complete person, with nothing missing. So we cannot be inadequate.

God does not make junk!

~ Rev. Terry Cole-Whittaker

So according to Cole-Whittaker, other people are not our source, the Divine is. Since God/the Universe/the Divine is completely infinite, all options are open to us, and the sky is the limit. Or not even. She encourages us to think very freely about why we’re attached to what and whom, and to be open to just releasing those attachments. We often have a very strong sense of possession: MY job, MY hairdresser, MY beloved. She tells of realizing she was hanging onto her first marriage, long after it was no longer working or salvageable. She finally got honest with herself and saw she didn’t want anyone else to have her husband!

 

Try this: find 15 minutes of you-time in a quiet place. Or find it in a charming coffee shop where you plug in your laptop, with the hum and chatter of the place creating happy white noise. Now free-write to yourself and the Universe about your life—what you like and don’t, what’s working and what isn’t, what and how you would have things in your dream life. Do you see ways in which you’re feeling stuck? Now: YOU are the only person who can choose differently.

 

What I think of you is none of your business. And what you think of me is none of my business. But what you think of your life, what nurtures you, and what would make you happy and fulfilled—those things are entirely your business. Create some you-time every day, as you can, and keep writing to yourself and the Universe. Keep adding to the “discussion” you have going with you and the Divine. Notice what makes your heart dim or race. Notice you’re beginning to make small changes. And maybe you’re starting to make big ones.  Now, that’s Upbeat Living!

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• If you enjoy this post, please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column! You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma! Due to a recent FB change, our “likes” look low. Thanks for your help!

Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office. Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com.
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: calendar@kebba.com .

Is Your Backstory Creating More Stress?

Tags

Kebba Buckley Button, Letting go, peace within, stress, Stress Management, your backstory

© 2015 Kebba Buckley Button, MS, OM. World Rights Reserved.

 

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These days, most of us have plenty of stress without looking around for more. Many of us are caring for kids and/or elders and trying to get everyone everywhere they need to be on time, with the right gear. Many of us work in organizations with personality and philosophy conflicts. The national and international news carry many stories of plane crashes, kidnappings, mass shootings, stock market drops and rises. So do we need to dig around to find more things to be concerned, uncertain, worried, sad, mad, or depressed about?

 

 

As a stress management expert, I say no! To live a joyful, satisfying, effective life, each of us needs to be as clear in mind and heart as we can be. We need to be as healthy in our bodies and brains as we can be. Spiritual people need to be as connected as they/we can be. Today has enough to concern us without borrowing from the future or past. Even Jesus said, “[T]oday has enough troubles of its own (Matt 6:34).”

 

So why do so many cling to their unhappy backstory? I understand celebrating memories of happy childhoods, great schools, fine friends, loving pets, thrilling cities we’ve lived in, and gorgeous countryside we’ve enjoyed. This will actually raise your DHEA and make your metabolism happier. But some have bad memories they keep recounting. Whenever you hold a negative thought for a few minutes, it depresses your parasympathetic nervous system and you literally become weaker. If you sustain negative thoughts, you become more likely to get sick. But some people cling to their horror, pain, and negative imaginings as though their life depends on it. And actually, their life depends on the opposite.

 

Leave the past in the past.  Tomorrow’s not promised.  Today’s a gift.  I guess that’s why it’s called The Present.

~ Joe Budden, Hip-Hop Artist

 

Years ago, I took a self-realization seminar that lasted 5 days. Each morning the 70 participants were invited to “tell their story”, and we heard amazing tales of fabulous and horrific formative experiences. One woman said she had had an incestuous relationship with her father for a number of years (shock number one) and she said actually it had been the most supportive relationship of her life (shock number two). Another woman said her father had been a fiend and that’s why she was heavy; she was in her 50’s. Later, I realized she was running her narrative about her childhood, in her heart and mind, every hour of every day. It was creating huge mental interference and general stress.

 

On the last day, it was time for those of us who had not told Our Story to share. On the way to the seminar, it washed over me: IT DOESN’T MATTER. Since I wanted to live life forward, and actually there is no other way to live it, no aspect of stress from the past was relevant to how I lived today. For the time, when Getting It All Out was a cultural value, I was taking a radical position. It changed my life. I now mainly live my life in the present moment with an eye to the future God and I are cocreating together.

 

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.  Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

 

When someone asks you how you are, are you tempted to tell them you’re depressed or frustrated? Then you have some items to take care of.   A balanced person does not dump their stuff at the “Hello”. Write down what you’re feeling and what needs to be addressed.  Healthy people want to reach some degree of Peace Within, and peaceful people never reply to “how are you?” with negative statements.

 

Do you believe that some negative factor from your past is holding you back? If so, and if you say you want a happy and fulfilled life, it’s time to bust your backstory and get some professional help. Get some counseling, journal through the process, read any recommended books, and do any exercises the counselor recommends. If you suspect you need a prescription for anxiety or depression, start with your doctor.  When you have achieved a new balance, you may want to work on your life skills with a coach, read some books on relationships, and keep journaling. Get your eyes opened to some visions of your positive potentials and future!

 

It’s natural for people to want to improve: their health, their communications skills, their workplace talents, even their hair control. Don’t let stress from your backstory hold you back. Don’t let old stories keep you from having a satisfying day, career, and relationships. You are the only person who can put your right foot in front of your left and step forward. Create your great new life. Are you in?

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• If you enjoy this post, please click “like” in the FB widget in the right hand column! You’ll have our undying gratitude plus a huge rise in your Good Karma! Due to a recent FB change, our “likes” look low. Thanks for your help!

Energy – Peace – Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Kebba Buckley Button is a stress management expert.  She also has a natural healing practice and is an ordained minister. She is the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You (http://tinyurl.com/b44v3br), plus the 2013 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core, Second Edition(http://tinyurl.com/mqg3uvc ). Her newest book is Sacred Meditation: Embracing the Divine, available through her office. Just email SacredMeditation@kebba.com.
• For an appointment or to ask Kebba to speak for your group: bookings@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Letting Go

Tags

Effective living, fulfilled, happy, Letting go, moving on, unstuck

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Recently, I met a man  in a meditation class who said all the major things in his life had just changed.  His relationship, his career, and the part of town he lived in had all changed quite recently.   He was feeling highly impacted by all these things shifting at once, even though he was looking forward to the positive results and new horizons.  He seemed almost shell-shocked.  He was trying meditation as a means to collect his wandering, stressed consciousness and perhaps help him feel grounded again.  He was aware of a need to emotionally let go of his previous ideas of who he was, and also to let go of bonds he had had with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues.  I heard myself saying to him, “it’s only the process of detaching that hurts”.

 

The more we hang on to the past, the stronger we grip the ties that bind, the more we give the bonds strength.  For example, we may care about a relative or romantic interest who does not care much about us.  The more we talk about that love we want, that we are not getting from that person, the more energy we are giving the relationship, and the stronger the bond is—on our part.  Continuing to love and ache for returned love, from a person who does not return those feelings, is no thankful situation.  It is unrewarding.  I once heard this described as, “going to a hardware store looking for milk”.  Yet, giving up that one-sided caring may be extremely painful.  And we need to give it up.

 

In the 1980’s , the term “codependence” , or “codependency”,  came into use, in part for unrequited caring.  When a person wants something from another who cannot or will not give it, and the person keeps pursuing it, that behavior may be viewed as controlling. If you want to read more about this way of looking at things, look for books by Melody Beattie, such as Codependent No More.

 

Some time ago, a young couple who were neighbors of mine moved away.  I found out only hours before the moving van removed them from my street.  I was jolted. I felt distracting pangs of loss for days.  Ouch!  I asked myself what I was “missing” so strongly.  I was very fond of the couple and yet knew that our friendship really never got off the ground.  I would probably not hear from them again.  So what were these pangs?  Then I realized, the young couple didn’t care that I cared.   My admiration and affection for them was entirely one-sided.  They had no particular interest in me.  While it is always good to like and admire people, and to wish them the best, I needed to let go of the idea that we would become friends someday.  I had entirely created my own pangs!  Then I remembered  that word for one-sided attachment:  codependency.  Oh yes!  Time to laugh at my humanity.  And I did laugh!

 

I got busy with my real life and my real friends and lost my distraction over the loss of the lovely neighbors.  Only the detaching was painful.  It feels great to have no further bonds there.  Who and what do you need to let go of?

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core.  She is also an ordained minister.

● Your comments are welcome!

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● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .