UpBeat Living: What’s Your Excuse?

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at choice, choices, Effective living, energy, Excuse removal, Excuses, Kebba, late, Relationships, responsibility, responsible, stress, stuck, unstuck

Karen Gridley- The Excuse Removal Expert

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved

When you were a kid, you probably remember some other kid telling the teacher, “[T]he dog ate my homework!’  The kid’s excuse was the reason s/he gave for not having the homework done, or at least not having it to turn in.  The “excuse” was offered in the hope of being exempted from responsibility for the commitment, in this case, arriving with completed homework.  The kid was not taking responsibility.

A friend produces an e-newsletter every week, for a large group.  Between list maintenance and editing the event submittals every week, she spends an average of a half day a week on the e-newsletter.  She finishes the newsletter event section each week, when a particular entertainment event submittal comes in.  That event depends on newspaper event  listings, which come out early a particular day each week.  Recently, my friend received an email request, just as she was finishing sending the week’s e-newsletter.  The requester wanted her to send out an event announcement for a couple of days forward.  My friend e-replied that she had needed the event information by the night before, or at the latest, by 9 am that morning.  She said, the e-newsletter has already gone out for the week.  The Editor highlighted the section of the e-newsletter that gave the deadline.  The requester wrote again, asking if the Editor couldn’t make an exception just this one time; the Requester said she had been waiting for the entertainment listing to be determined, so she would not create a conflict with the entertainment event for the same date.  The Editor had received the entertainment event information  5 hours before the late request.  She chose not to waste her time and energy replying again.

The Editor was curious as to what the late requester was doing during the 5 hours between the time the entertainment event details were emailed to her and the time the requester emailed the Editor.  And why did the requester not dial the phone and ask the Editor to “hold the presses”?  The Editor’s phone number is conveniently listed in every week’s e-newsletter, as well as in the print newsletter, and on the group’s websites.  If  you think the late requester could have been more effective, then you understand that “waiting for the entertainment event details” was simply an excuse.

If you love making excuses, rather than taking responsibility for making things go the way you want, then you will love this website:  http://madtbone.tripod.com/, or, “The Mother of All Excuses Place”.  The site was inspired by a wealth of excuses people in a particular workplace offered, for not coming to work for the day.  The collection was so entertaining that it expanded to include sections for:  missing school and homework excuses, police or accident excuses, kids excuses, getting out of family events and holiday functions, breaking dates, doctor excuses, doctors note, missing church, wedding, diet excuses, why I ate that, debt excuses, tax excuses, not paying the rent, getting out of home repair excuses, unwanted house guest excuses, jury duty, defense excuses, not voting, no sex, miscellaneous excuses, excuses for becoming addicted to online slots, excuse related humor, and more.

Professional coach and speaker Karen Gridley is known as The Excuse Removal Expert^TM . Gridley takes a kind, yet no-nonsense approach to excuse-making.  She wants you to take responsibility and see life as what you are creating.  She says excuse makers collect excuses and talk a lot about how their outcomes are out of their control.  Whereas, she says, recovering excuse makers continue to examine how their own thoughts, beliefs, and actions (or non-actions) actually created their outcomes.  Gridley says those who give up making excuses experience freedom and empowerment.

Is there something that didn’t come out the way you would have liked?  What was your role in creating that situation?  Ask Karen Gridley and she’ll tell you to take responsibility, in order to reap the rewards.  Why?  Because, after all, it’s your life.

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UpBeat Living: Grudges and Amish Grace

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Anger, choices, Forgiveness, Grief, Grudges, Radical forgiveness, Resentment, responsible, stress, stuck, unstuck

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

On October 2, 2006, a pickup truck backed up to the front door of an Amish school.  It was the West Nickel Mines School in Pennsylvania.  A man who was angry at God went into the school, shot 10 girls and then himself.  Five of the girls died.  This small Amish community could have been devastated and could have shouted about discrimination, invasion, and revenge.  They could have been consumed by resentment and hatred. They could have written books about their pain and sold the movie rights.  They could have sued their way around the court system.  They did no such thing.

Instead, they forgave Charles Roberts, the gunman, who had been their milk delivery man.  One of Roberts’ children had died the day she was born, and he could not forgive God for that loss.  Amish leaders went to Roberts’ widow’s home, told her they had forgiven Roberts, and offered comfort for her and her children.  Later, they took the widow toys for her children.  Citing their faith, the Amish gave up any burden of hatred or resentment, embodied compassion, acted out their forgiveness, and fulfilled reconciliation.  They went to Roberts’ funeral and stood with his bereaved family.  They leveled the school and built a new one on a different site, calling it “The New Hope School”.

Roberts’ widow came to the dedication celebration, only 6 months after the shootings.  The community had clearly declared a healing.  A movie version of the story, “Amish Grace”, ran on the Lifetime Network, and Lifetime reported it was the most watched movie ever broadcast by their network.  Clearly, people are interested in forgiveness, unburdening of grudges, and the grace of reconciliation.

The Amish story raises afresh the question of what forgiveness is.  A great definition is “giving up resentment or any claim for recompense for the wrong that has occurred.”  This doesn’t mean one has to forget the wrong ever happened.  In the Christian faith, Jesus taught that no limit should be set on the extent of forgiveness (Luke 17:4).  Also, an unforgiving spirit is regarded as a sin (Matt 18:34-35 and Luke 15:28-30).  In teaching The Lord’s Prayer (Matt 6:9-13, Luke 11:2-4), Jesus instructed the Disciples to pray,  “…and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  So one will be forgiven by God only to the extent one is forgiving to those who have wronged oneself.

In the modern program, Radical Forgiveness, author Colin Tipping says that ordinary forgiveness means, “You did that to me, but I’ll let you off the hook and forgive you.”

Tipping wants people to go a large step further.  He believes in a loving God who has plans for all of us, and that God makes things happen that are good for us.  So nothing is “bad”.  No wrong has occurred.  The Divine Plan has been unfolding for our spiritual growth.  For those who make the perspective shift that no wrong actually occurred, Tipping says, their emotional release can be virtually instant.

Normal forgiveness commonly takes years, and research suggests it takes a toll on your mind and cardiovascular system.  The field of psychology is not yet in total agreement on the exact definition of “forgiveness”.  But many are promoting the practice for individual, community, and world benefits.  If we can forgive personally and locally, can we forgive globally as well?

Are you holding any grudges?  Would you like to feel better?  Think of Amish grace. Try forgiving someone today, and notice how well you sleep tonight.

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–Your comments welcome!–

 

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Your Mind’s Eye

Tags

choices, energy, Feeling energized, fulfilled, happy, Inner Mentor, Kebba, Mental equivalents, responsible, Stress Management, stuck, unstuck

© 2012, Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Whatever your belief system, it is crucial to hold the most positive thoughts and images in your mind.  Ernest Holmes (1887-1960), the founder of Science of Mind, described “The Law of Mental Equivalents”.  He said, basically, that what you hold in consciousness is what you will get in your reality.  This has been proven true in a number of fields, as your brain and body take instruction from your thoughts.

 

Do you ever wonder why some people always cheerfully achieve success, while others are down in mood and fail at many doorsteps of opportunity?  Success is very much in your mind.  Your mind takes instruction from your thoughts, and your nervous system acts them out.  Try this experiment.  If you have a friend who knows muscle testing, ask them to muscle-test you before and after you say the following phrases.  Otherwise, find a 10-pound object or a gallon bottle of liquid, and lift it before and after you say these phrases.  Ready?  Lift the object.  Notice how heavy or light it is for you at this moment.  Say 10 times, at any speed, “I am a weak and unworthy person”.  Your nervous system takes this literally.  Now pick up the object again.  Notice how much heavier it is?  Now reverse the effect.  Say 10 times, at any speed, “I am a vital, strong, valuable person.”  Pick up the object again.  Notice it has become lighter.  Now, always remember that your brain and nervous system are listening to everything you say.

 

Now consider the phenomenon that your brain and nervous system do not know the difference between a real situation of terrible conflict, like a nasty fight or an assault, and a portrayed situation, as in a TV show or movie.  In a good mood, go to a movie theater and see any of the currently popular end-of-the-human-race movies.  You know, machines are arising or attacking from space, and the situation is impossible.  Although not currently in theaters, Independence Day is a good example of this genre.  If you have a portable blood pressure monitor, by all means take your blood pressure before and after you see this movie.  At the end of this movie, you will feel very stressed, your adrenaline will be rushing, and your blood pressure will be up.  You may feel hyped up or exhausted, fearful or cranky, and easily startled.  Leaving the venue, you may be driving “with a heavy foot”.  Your brain and nervous system thought they were in a real war.  If you really want to take in movies like this, but you want less of a stressful effect on yourself, rent them, show them at home, and when you feel your stress building up, look at other objects in the room and think of puppies and babies.  Notice your whole bodymind system shifting when you shift your attention.  Truly, you choose what stress and negativity you feed your mind and body.

 

Now consider an apparently mundane example.  Today may be a really hot, humid summer day where you are.  It may be so hot that you would prefer not to be out in that weather, but to zip efficiently from your air-conditioned home to your air-conditioned car to your air-conditioned office.  That’s a healthy strategy.  However, we all know people who, on this kind of day, must chant out loud, “Boy is it hot!  It is so sticky!  It’s hard to do anything on such a hot day!  Aren’t you hot?  How can you wear that (bolero sweater/long pants/closed shoes)?  Aren’t you miserable?  It’s just miserable!”  What reaction do you think that person’s bodymind system is having to this chanting?  That’s right: the person feels hotter and hotter.  And if you listen and/or repeat their comments, silently or to others, you will feel hotter!  Do not dismiss this as “just psychological”.  The sensations are real, and you have a right to live the best and most comfortable life you can construct for yourself.  So have several cheerful rejoinders to the heat-chanters ready when they start in.  The one I use most is (delivered in a light and cheery voice), “Yes!  You know, it’s almost like Phoenix in the summertime!”  Then I quickly leave the area so the chanter can’t argue.  Do not get sucked into anyone’s negativity!  You will pay for the indulgence with fatigue and an unclear mind.  If you are a person of faith, remember God wants you to use your creativity to make the most of your life and your gifts.

 

Do you want to live your best life now?  Good!  Then notice negative programming, make notes, and work toward creating the best brain, body, and lifestyle you can.  It’s up to you.

 

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 –Your comments welcome!–

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.

UpBeat Living: Happy Problems

Tags

Attitude, choices, energy, fulfilled, Perspective, responsible, stress, Stress Management

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

It’s popular to review the previous year, and make plans for the upcoming year, around the end of December.  People love to make New Year’s resolutions.  But why not a mid-year review right now?  How would you rate your year so far? 

Would you like the rest of this year to be the strongest, healthiest, most financially thriving time ever for you?  Then try a fresh view of some situations you have been viewing as “problems”.   The idea of a “problem” is usually negative.  Problems cause you stress.  Then you have to manage your stress.  But try this different approach.  Write down the top 4 problems you have at the moment.  Don’t worry—the rest of us can’t see your list.  Think about the details of these topics for 2 full minutes.  Notice how heavy you begin to feel as you think about your “problems”?  Your shoulders get tight, your long muscles may begin to hurt, and your stomach may turn into a knot.  Your body is telling you that you are uncomfortable with these topics.

Recently, I caught myself stressing about all my to-do items, thinking of the list as a problem and feeling bad about it.  The key here is that I did catch myself.  I told a friend, “my list runneth over!”  I joked about it, then got back on track and prioritized the tasks, making the most of my time.  I felt better on every level.  All those to-do items are actually opportunities.  You don’t “have” to do them—you “get” to do them. So talk about what you “get” to do, not what you’ve “got” to do.  And getting each item done feels good.  Write each item—you are writing down your to-do items, aren’t you?  Then numbering them in the best order?  Then completing them as quickly as you can?  Be sure to go back to your list and check off each item when it’s complete.  That step becomes addictive, giving yourself approval for completions.  So now you can see your overflowing list as a “happy problem”, an opportunity to accomplish and feel good.  Your body will feel lighter as you take this approach.

In a relatively new restaurant specializing in quick lunches, I asked the owner how business was.  The store was fairly full and the crowd was eagerly queuing; those who already had their lunches appeared to be munching quickly, quietly, and happily.  When I asked, the owner got a pained look on his face and said how people were just streaming in and streaming in!  He said it was like there was no end to it, and he looked miserable.  His head bent to the side and his shoulders drooped as he expressed his stress.  I said, cheerfully, “well, good!  I’m very happy for you!  Especially during this recession!”  The owner looked shocked, then switched to a smile and said, “You’re right!  It’s a good thing!”  His posture completely shifted.  He had a “happy problem”.

Recently, an Episcopal Priest, Fr. Jim Clark, was talking about something that really stressed him out.  Fr. Jim’s church is the beautiful St. Barnabas on the Desert, in Scottsdale, Arizona.  The sanctuary has a circular communion rail around the altar area.  An unintended consequence of the design was that people arriving and leaving the communion circle come face-to-face with each other and must always step aside to prevent running into each other.  Ushers try to direct the chaotic flow, and many smiles are exchanged as people kindly make room for each other.  Fr. Jim mentioned his stress over communion traffic to Father William Meninger, a Catholic priest and author of books on the contemplative life.  Fr. Meninger immediately suggested that Fr. Jim think of the “traffic” as a gift.  He suggested Fr. Jim recast his view of the situation, substituting the view that this “traffic jam” is actually another opportunity for intercommunity communion, for social connection.  And guess what?  Parishioners were already taking that view.  There was no negative “problem”.  It was a “happy problem”.  Fr. Jim’s body language changed completely as he talked about recasting the “problem” as a “gift”.

Now you.  Go back to your initial list of 4 top problems.  What aspects of those situations are really opportunities for achievement, things to give thanks for, or springboards for solutions?  What can you celebrate as “happy problems”?  How can you leverage those to reach your dreams this year?  How powerful will the rest of your year be?  It’s up to you.

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— Comments welcome! —

Reach the writer at Kebba@kebba.com

UpBeat Living: iPod Oblivion

Tags

at choice, priorities, prioritize, responsible, stress, Stress Management

© 2010 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

I was cutting it close to get to the memorial service on time.  Fortunately, I wasn’t the officiant that day.  Whizzing across Thomas Road, I noticed it was one of those days with a lot of erratic driving.  I warned myself to be careful.  Then I realized I needed to coordinate something with my husband, and I didn’t think I had time to pull over.  So, carefully, I reached for my Blackberry, and, looking at the road as much as possible, I pressed 2 buttons to reach Mr. Button.  (Go ahead and make the button jokes.  We love them.)  I came out of my reverie with nanoseconds to spare, to brake hard and barely avoid hitting the Toyota a few feet ahead, which had likewise come to a screeching halt. Duly startled, I asked myself if maybe this was the moment to truly quit talking on phones while driving.  What really scared me was not whether I could keep my eyes on the road while making a quick call.  What got me was that my eyes were on the road and my mind was in other images.  How many of us have been there?

I thought of The Wordspy’s mention of “iPod oblivion” several weeks ago.  The Wordspy is my favorite source for new words.  Yes, “iPod oblivion” is indeed “obliviousness to one’s surroundings, caused by listening to an iPod or similar device.”  I  straightened up in my seat, sobered by the close call.  I thought of the people I know who would say this was unimportant.  The Wordspy has a word for them, also: “mehsayers”, the people who express apathy and assign nonimportance to many issues.  I pondered other amusing words, such as “recombobulate”.  Apparently, airports are posting signs offering “Recombobulation Areas”, for putting yourself and your things back together after you disperse everything for the Security screenings.  I mused all the way up the Piestewa Freeway to Northern, still noticing that people were driving fast and erratically.  A few blocks from the church, I was rear-ended by an SUV.  A glance in the rearview mirror told me the truck behind had rear-ended the SUV, driving the SUV into my PT  Cruiser.  I was absolutely not going to be late to that memorial service.  I drove on.

I arrived just on time for the service, ahead of twenty others, breathing through my whiplash.  Taking my seat while mouthing silent greetings to loved ones, I thought, “The Wordspy is right!  What I need now is to recombobulate!  Sigh.”

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Reach the writer at Kebba@Kebba.com