UpBeat Living: Rabbitt’s Legacy

Tags

at choice, choices, Effective living, friendships, happy, Kebba, legacy, Relationships

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Rabbitt Burns died at the hands of a friend, in January 2010, in Orange City, Florida. Everyone agreed that Rabbitt was a kind woman that everyone liked. When she failed to show up for her library job one morning, coworkers said she was too dependable to skip work without calling in.  A colleague went to her home and found her on the floor, shot.  Police observed that breakfast for two was on the table and Rabbitt’s laptop was missing.  Tracing the laptop, they found Rabbitt’s ex-boyfriend with it.

Rabbitt’s death hits me in different ways each time I think of her. More memories of different wonderful experiences with her keep bubbling up.  I keep thinking of a profound little poem, “The Dash”, by Linda Ellis.  The poem takes a look at the way our years are marked on a gravestone.  Most often, the years of birth and death, with a dash between them, are right under the name of the deceased.  Ellis say basically that it is neither the birth year nor the year of death that is most important.  Rather, it’s the dash between.  It’s the way you lived your life.  Abraham Lincoln expressed something similar, when he said, “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Now you may think I am going to wax eloquent about one’s accomplishments in life, the degrees, the honors, the acts, the things one did.  I am not.  I want to tell you why so many people miss Rabbitt Burns, and why we will remember her with great love and joy for many years:  Rabbitt honored everyone.  It wasn’t what Rabbitt did that made her extraordinary.  It was who she was and how she related to everyone.  Rabbitt was kind and attentive.  She spoke to each person with a loving regard, often asking thoughtful questions.  She intelligently treated each person as though s/he were precious and she was fortunate to be spending time with them.  She seemed limitlessly supportive to friends in unhappy times.  I have heard her talking to strangers on a CB radio, kindly asking them how their day was going and if they had a long drive ahead.  I will long remember her light, sweet tone in signing off, almost singing, “It was sure nice talkin’ to y’all.”  Their 18-wheeler pulled up beside our little car briefly, and the two men in the cab waved warmly before going on their way.  Rabbitt had transformed their trip with her extraordinary gentle warmth.  Will people remember you that way?

What will people say about each of us when we have just died?  Perhaps it depends on the qualities we choose to embrace and live out as we fill out that dash between birth certificate and death certificate.  Rabbitt Burns, it was sure nice talkin’ to y’all!

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● Kebba Buckley Button is a corporate stress management trainer and the author of the award-winning book, Discover The Secret Energized You, and the 2012 book, Peace Within:  Your Peaceful Inner Core.

● Your comments are welcome!

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● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Strategies for Desert Summer Thriving, Part 1

Tags

at choice, choices, energy, Feeling energized, heat, Kebba, Summer

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

 

Photo by Kebba Buckley Button

So before you came to the desert Southwest, did they tell you the summers can be a bit warm?  In cities like Phoenix, Tucson, El Paso, Needles, Laughlin, and Las Vegas, it can be over 105 degrees for weeks running.  In fact, it has been 120 degrees a few times, including in June 2010.  This is the region where people say things like, “It’s only 100 degrees today!”   Our vistas vary from concrete and stone cityscapes to green golf courses with lakes, to natural desert of subtle tones and often-sharp plants.  Your business or personal pursuits will likely take you through all these environments of the desert Southwest.  These tips will help you enjoy yourself and get the most out of life throughout our summer.

In our hot weeks, feeling good, being well, and being productive can be challenging. Back East, you wouldn’t dream of going out in a snowstorm unprepared.  You would of course dress properly and protect yourself from the elements.  Summer is our dangerous weather season, so you’ll want to dress properly and protect yourself.  But you can feel great and enjoy our summer, if you take these tips to heart:

1.  Accept that Summer is our physical stress season.  The heat magnifies normal stresses, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  People may be crabby and tired.  In traffic, drivers may show less attention and courtesy than usual.  Even during the cooling effects of our intense summer storms, people can be short-tempered.  Plan to simply drop your shoulders, exhale quietly, and do your best in hot and tense moments.  

2.  Get out of the heat. Do get 15 minutes of sun on your hands and face each day, for your body to produce enough Vitamin D. But you can get that while driving to an errand. The rest of the time, get out of the sun or wear sunscreen, sunglasses, and sleeves.

Walk in building shadows and park your car in the shade or in a parking garage. If you love to be outside, you can now buy special sun-blocking clothes from travel companies. You can get shirts designed to SPF 50 or higher, plus broad-brimmed hats with mesh-side crowns for through-flow of air. More difficult to find is the safari hat with its own built-in fan. Cooling neck scarves are now widely available. Soak them to activate the gel inside, and store them in the fridge between wearings.  Water bottles, with a battery-operated personal fan attached, are amusing and do actually help you keep cooler.

If you get too much heat, you’ll generally know it. But if people tell you your face is bright red, this is not good.  If your skin is totally dry, or if you feel nauseated or are vomiting, or if you feel totally drained and confused, these are clues you have heat exhaustion or heat stroke. Get to a cool, dim place, put a cool, damp cloth on your forehead, and try to drink water (chlorine removed).

3.  Protect your skin and eyes. If you don’t want to cover your skin, at least wear some sunscreen. There are new generations of sunscreen in clear or opaque forms, or colored to function as makeup foundation. Many moisturizers and makeup products contain SPF 15 or higher for day use. Most powdered mineral-based foundation makeups provide non-chemical SPF 15. If you’re wild to have tan skin, and you weren’t born with it, check out spray tanning or tanning moisturizers. Be aware that these do not provide sun protection, however, and skin cancer is rampant here. And remember to drink water. Support your skin by also eating foods that can help skin stay moist and young-looking.  These include dark greens, avocado, and fruits.  Do wear sunglasses, especially if you are not wearing headgear with a brim.

4.  Use common sense.  Rest if you need to. Plan extra time to get sufficient sleep daily.  Plan fewer activities in your week.  And focus on thriving, throughout the month.  Ask yourself often, “what would work best for my energy?”

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● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Stop Complaining Now! For Your Own Sake

Tags

Cancer, complaining, fatigue, Feeling energized, fulfilled, happy, healing, Health, Kebba, Negativity, Relationships, stress

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Anyone know someone who has only negative comments to share?  You ask this person how they are, and they give you a passionate list of things that displease them.  Sometimes, they get on a roll and will dump as long as you are willing to listen.  Socially, they soak your energy, and at work, they burn your time and make YOU look like you’re gossiping and being unproductive.

Humorous office signs are a great way to generate smiles.  One of the best is a simple word in capital letters: “KWITCHERBITCHIN”.  Huh?  A passerby has to pause for a moment and let the phrase sink in.  Then chuckle. The sign provides an instant lightening-up on the weighty topic of complaining.

What’s wrong with complaining?  First, people get weary around the complainer, don’t want to work with them or sit with them in social settings.  Kids won’t select that kid to be on their team.  Second, people stop really listening to a person who complains constantly.  Then, as in the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, people will be nonresponsive when there is a big problem or painful life event, such as a death in the complainer’s family.  When the complainer has something major to share, his would-be audience is already worn out and will automatically turn away.

Why should you quit complaining altogether?  Complaining definitely magnifies your unhappy thoughts.  You have to keep your mind on the negative when you complain.  This keeps the negative experience alive and in your current memory.  “Let sleeping dogs lie.”  When we stop commenting about something unpleasant, and shift our focus to something pleasant, the negative-story thoughts can be released from short-term memory.  We have a certain capacity in our short-term memory, so filling it with positive thoughts keeps the negative memories from being restored from “the back of your mind”, reloaded into current memory.  Going over and over a bad memory or an unhappy circumstance brings it forefront, and it will bother you more.  And more.  And more.

This does not negate the positive value of journaling, however, in which you pour out your authentic thoughts and feelings freely.  Nor does it negate the value of support groups.  However, those in support groups might want to consider the boundaries between healthy brief venting and repetitive recounting of sad/bad memories.  After the past is basically dealt with, telling the stories of past horrors can certainly bring those old negative feelings back to life, fresh in the nervous system. Do you really want to spend your day feeling down?

At the University of Missouri, Associate Professor of Psychological Sciences Amanda Rose has completed two studies of 1600 girls and boys.  The work concluded that “excessive talking” about problems is linked with depression and anxiety.  Girls tended to go over problems in great detail, while boys tended to think talking about challenges was a waste of time.

Do you know someone who seems to love to be angry?  Perhaps someone who is critical and perfectionistic, who goes rigid when angrily telling you all about their dissatisfaction?  Studies of the physical effects of anger have shown that anger affects the parasympathetic nervous system and therefore the immune system.  So a person who stays angry, critical and complaining may be sick more often, and they may be more likely to get cancer.  Do you want this to be you?

So how do you deal with complainers around you?  To that person, recounting what’s wrong everywhere may feel like telling the truth, being authentic.  What sounds like complaining to others may be valuable analytical conversation to the one recounting.

• A complainer may be a perfectionist who is not often satisfied.  Try to be more relaxed with that person by having compassion for them.
• Try to move the person from narrative, naming the problem, to problem-solving.
• But do not let them drag you down. Walk away if you have to.  Take your keys and drive away if you need to.  Remember you have a pressing appointment.

Try this:  hold yourself to a high standard, trying never to complain.  The positivity quotient of those around you will rise accordingly.  You may no longer need that KWITCHERBITCHIN sign.

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● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .

UpBeat Living: Being Pleasant to the Unpleasant

Tags

Anger, Effective living, friendships, Kebba, Pleasant, Pleasantness, Relationships, social satisfaction, stress, Unpleasant

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Unpleasant people are an unfortunate fact of life.  They are not fun. They make us wince.  They cause our stomachs to knot up.  They sometimes try to generate conflict.  But now and then we have to deal with these people.  It’s crucial to be as congenial as you can be with them as well as with the sometimes-awful situations they can create.  The importance of being pleasant was brought home to me following a particular gathering of a cooking club to which I belonged.

For some reason, I couldn’t go that night, which may have been a good thing.  What happened became legendary to the club members. The club always cooked to a theme, and people would bring all the dishes, prepared, to the host’s home.  The host or hostess always coordinated the dishes well ahead of time.  This particular night, an hour into the meal, a notoriously late member of the group arrived.  He had not said he wanted to come, and all the dishes were arranged for.  This friend had brought some fresh seafood, which was irrelevant to the evening’s theme.  The hostess, wanting to be…pleasant, let this friend come in and participate.  One of the more expressive members asked why Mr. Seafood should be allowed to join the evening and asserted he should leave.  Mr. Seafood prepared his dish in the hostess’s kitchen from scratch, while the group moved on to dessert, according to the original plan.  In escalating tones, Mr. Expressive told Mr. Seafood that he should respect the group more and abide by the agreements: reserve ahead, prepare the dish in his own kitchen, and arrive on time, prepared.  Other voices began to rise.

Most agreed with Mr. Expressive in principle, and they were tired of Mr. Seafood behaving as he does, and had done for years.  However, they began to tell Mr. Expressive that it was best to be…pleasant.  No one wanted outright strife.  Then voices were raised on this point.  Two people actually tried the seafood dish during desert.  Raised voices turned to hurt feelings.  One couple said it was simply unacceptable to air unpleasant thoughts like this at a social gathering.  Mr. Expressive said, but he was right.  [And I was in strong agreement with him, in principle, while different people were telling me later about the evening’s events.]  Topping off the situation, the two who had tried the seafood dish got food poisoning from it.  The outcome was that the group never met again.  The stress of outright conflict was too uncomfortable for the group.

For a time, in an HOA situation, there was a neighbor who was especially critical of much of what went on with the community.  She would send verbally violent emails to Board members and neighbors, wildly angry about the gate needing repairs or the dumpsters being too full.  Online or in person, she would exclaim, “UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!”  Neighbors stopped responding to her emails, ignored her at Board meetings, and gradually steered away from her altogether.  She lost all her social equity, all her influence in the community, and all of what could have been friendships with many fine neighbors.  There is a level of blatant aggression and conflict that is simply too stressful for people, so they turn away.

The next time you find yourself with people expressing unpleasantly, be as pleasant as you can be, or remove yourself, if possible.  Laugh and make light remarks.  Be the one who breaks the tension if you have those skills. Even if you agree with the aggressor’s points, don’t join the tension, if you can avoid it.  You can always talk with the aggressor later, after things have cooled off.  To enjoy your relationships the most, smile and be easygoing.  You’re the one who will be invited back.

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● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .