UpBeat Living: What’s Your Excuse?

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at choice, choices, Effective living, energy, Excuse removal, Excuses, Kebba, late, Relationships, responsibility, responsible, stress, stuck, unstuck

Karen Gridley- The Excuse Removal Expert

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved

When you were a kid, you probably remember some other kid telling the teacher, “[T]he dog ate my homework!’  The kid’s excuse was the reason s/he gave for not having the homework done, or at least not having it to turn in.  The “excuse” was offered in the hope of being exempted from responsibility for the commitment, in this case, arriving with completed homework.  The kid was not taking responsibility.

A friend produces an e-newsletter every week, for a large group.  Between list maintenance and editing the event submittals every week, she spends an average of a half day a week on the e-newsletter.  She finishes the newsletter event section each week, when a particular entertainment event submittal comes in.  That event depends on newspaper event  listings, which come out early a particular day each week.  Recently, my friend received an email request, just as she was finishing sending the week’s e-newsletter.  The requester wanted her to send out an event announcement for a couple of days forward.  My friend e-replied that she had needed the event information by the night before, or at the latest, by 9 am that morning.  She said, the e-newsletter has already gone out for the week.  The Editor highlighted the section of the e-newsletter that gave the deadline.  The requester wrote again, asking if the Editor couldn’t make an exception just this one time; the Requester said she had been waiting for the entertainment listing to be determined, so she would not create a conflict with the entertainment event for the same date.  The Editor had received the entertainment event information  5 hours before the late request.  She chose not to waste her time and energy replying again.

The Editor was curious as to what the late requester was doing during the 5 hours between the time the entertainment event details were emailed to her and the time the requester emailed the Editor.  And why did the requester not dial the phone and ask the Editor to “hold the presses”?  The Editor’s phone number is conveniently listed in every week’s e-newsletter, as well as in the print newsletter, and on the group’s websites.  If  you think the late requester could have been more effective, then you understand that “waiting for the entertainment event details” was simply an excuse.

If you love making excuses, rather than taking responsibility for making things go the way you want, then you will love this website:  http://madtbone.tripod.com/, or, “The Mother of All Excuses Place”.  The site was inspired by a wealth of excuses people in a particular workplace offered, for not coming to work for the day.  The collection was so entertaining that it expanded to include sections for:  missing school and homework excuses, police or accident excuses, kids excuses, getting out of family events and holiday functions, breaking dates, doctor excuses, doctors note, missing church, wedding, diet excuses, why I ate that, debt excuses, tax excuses, not paying the rent, getting out of home repair excuses, unwanted house guest excuses, jury duty, defense excuses, not voting, no sex, miscellaneous excuses, excuses for becoming addicted to online slots, excuse related humor, and more.

Professional coach and speaker Karen Gridley is known as The Excuse Removal Expert^TM . Gridley takes a kind, yet no-nonsense approach to excuse-making.  She wants you to take responsibility and see life as what you are creating.  She says excuse makers collect excuses and talk a lot about how their outcomes are out of their control.  Whereas, she says, recovering excuse makers continue to examine how their own thoughts, beliefs, and actions (or non-actions) actually created their outcomes.  Gridley says those who give up making excuses experience freedom and empowerment.

Is there something that didn’t come out the way you would have liked?  What was your role in creating that situation?  Ask Karen Gridley and she’ll tell you to take responsibility, in order to reap the rewards.  Why?  Because, after all, it’s your life.

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UpBeat Living: Stop Complaining Now! For Your Own Sake

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Cancer, complaining, fatigue, Feeling energized, fulfilled, happy, healing, Health, Kebba, Negativity, Relationships, stress

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Anyone know someone who has only negative comments to share?  You ask this person how they are, and they give you a passionate list of things that displease them.  Sometimes, they get on a roll and will dump as long as you are willing to listen.  Socially, they soak your energy, and at work, they burn your time and make YOU look like you’re gossiping and being unproductive.

Humorous office signs are a great way to generate smiles.  One of the best is a simple word in capital letters: “KWITCHERBITCHIN”.  Huh?  A passerby has to pause for a moment and let the phrase sink in.  Then chuckle. The sign provides an instant lightening-up on the weighty topic of complaining.

What’s wrong with complaining?  First, people get weary around the complainer, don’t want to work with them or sit with them in social settings.  Kids won’t select that kid to be on their team.  Second, people stop really listening to a person who complains constantly.  Then, as in the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, people will be nonresponsive when there is a big problem or painful life event, such as a death in the complainer’s family.  When the complainer has something major to share, his would-be audience is already worn out and will automatically turn away.

Why should you quit complaining altogether?  Complaining definitely magnifies your unhappy thoughts.  You have to keep your mind on the negative when you complain.  This keeps the negative experience alive and in your current memory.  “Let sleeping dogs lie.”  When we stop commenting about something unpleasant, and shift our focus to something pleasant, the negative-story thoughts can be released from short-term memory.  We have a certain capacity in our short-term memory, so filling it with positive thoughts keeps the negative memories from being restored from “the back of your mind”, reloaded into current memory.  Going over and over a bad memory or an unhappy circumstance brings it forefront, and it will bother you more.  And more.  And more.

This does not negate the positive value of journaling, however, in which you pour out your authentic thoughts and feelings freely.  Nor does it negate the value of support groups.  However, those in support groups might want to consider the boundaries between healthy brief venting and repetitive recounting of sad/bad memories.  After the past is basically dealt with, telling the stories of past horrors can certainly bring those old negative feelings back to life, fresh in the nervous system. Do you really want to spend your day feeling down?

At the University of Missouri, Associate Professor of Psychological Sciences Amanda Rose has completed two studies of 1600 girls and boys.  The work concluded that “excessive talking” about problems is linked with depression and anxiety.  Girls tended to go over problems in great detail, while boys tended to think talking about challenges was a waste of time.

Do you know someone who seems to love to be angry?  Perhaps someone who is critical and perfectionistic, who goes rigid when angrily telling you all about their dissatisfaction?  Studies of the physical effects of anger have shown that anger affects the parasympathetic nervous system and therefore the immune system.  So a person who stays angry, critical and complaining may be sick more often, and they may be more likely to get cancer.  Do you want this to be you?

So how do you deal with complainers around you?  To that person, recounting what’s wrong everywhere may feel like telling the truth, being authentic.  What sounds like complaining to others may be valuable analytical conversation to the one recounting.

• A complainer may be a perfectionist who is not often satisfied.  Try to be more relaxed with that person by having compassion for them.
• Try to move the person from narrative, naming the problem, to problem-solving.
• But do not let them drag you down. Walk away if you have to.  Take your keys and drive away if you need to.  Remember you have a pressing appointment.

Try this:  hold yourself to a high standard, trying never to complain.  The positivity quotient of those around you will rise accordingly.  You may no longer need that KWITCHERBITCHIN sign.

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● Your comments are welcome!

 

● Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .