Photo by Egidijus Mika

© 2012 Kebba Buckley Button, M.S., O.M.  World Rights Reserved.

February is the month of romantic love.  We celebrate romantic love in many ways, with cards, candy, flowers, décor, and dinners.  People crave connection, and romantic love is perhaps the strongest sort of connection.  Singles seek connection with potential partners.  Couples, whether  married or living together, often celebrate their connection on Valentine’s Day.  Hopefully, those couples are planning to celebrate their relationships, how wonderful they are, and how long those relationships have lasted already.  Even more powerful is when each partner celebrates the other, who that person is, and what delight that partner brings to the marriage.  There is no need to wait until Valentine’s Day to celebrate.

However long a relationship has been, how can a couple keep their relationship enjoyable and engaging for a long time?  Marriage Therapist and author Todd Creagor, MCSW, has the answers.  In his book, The Long, Hot Marriage, Creagor says the overall goal is to create a durable connection that heals and makes each whole.  He says partners need to relate creatively, experiment, and generally expect and cultivate a level of change, to keep the relationship fresh, emotionally and sexually.

Creagor says for most couples, communication problems come from 3 dynamics:  the urge to prove oneself right, the need to vent, and defending oneself.  Most people dislike conflict and steer away from the inevitable disagreements, especially if condescension or raised voices are involved.  Avoiding pain creates distance between partners.  Therefore, ineffectively handling these dynamics can kill a relationship.  In his book, Creagor outlines considerations and strategies for keeping the conversation constructive between spouses.  In general, he says, choosing connection over control is a winning strategy for everyone.  Before you speak or act, ask yourself, “is this going to give me more or less of what I really want?”

Strengths Creagor suggests we all cultivate are our own health and well-being and the ability to hang in there while we are experiencing discomfort.  The better we feel overall, the more perceptive and relaxed we can be, and the better we handle any stress that comes along in the relationship.  So it is important to eat an energizing diet and be fit.  This will also help our sexual relationships, so why not start working your personal health program now?  Creagor says we can and should develop our “emotional muscles”, including our “listening muscles”.  When conflict arises, we can practice holding our ground, calming ourselves while remembering to listen to our partner and let him/her know we are listening.  And remember, keeping score is for sports, not relationships!

So how can couples keep the romance alive and the sexual dimension hot?  First, whenever you talk with your partner, ask yourself if you can be a positive influence on him/her.  Then, Creagor recommends each partner try one new romantic gesture each week, especially if the idea of romantic behavior is new to you.  A few examples might be:  Write a love poem.  Ask your partner what would be a romantic thing s/he would like, and do it.  Plan a date that consists of some quiet time together, such as a gondola ride, a walk on the beach, a horseback ride, bicycling, or a drive in the country.  Prepare a favorite romantic dinner and have it waiting when s/he comes home, with rose petals (ask any florist) strewn everywhere.

Whatever you have heard about women’s and men’s natures, the generalizations may not be true of your wife/husband.  You’ll need to observe whether s/he is more interested in cuddling and foreplay or in quick and steamy sex.  Prompt conversation about preferences, and be ready to stretch your comfort zone to try new things in the bedroom.  Realize your partner is always growing, too, and his/her preferences and interests may change over time.  All the more reason to stay flexible about a bit of experimentation.

Are you in a marriage or long-term relationship?  Do you want it to be as deep and fabulous as it can be?  Then follow these pointers, read the book for more, and your relationship can truly be The Long, Hot Marriage. 

– Comments welcome–

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Reach the writer at Kebba@kebba.com

Photo by Jessica Thomas

© 2011, Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

Do you ever catch yourself assuming something not in evidence?  Yesterday, I was going over some details of a column with a colleague I was going to quote.  I described the circular communion rail in Fr. Jim Clark’s church, assuming it had become circular during a recent massive remodel of the east end of the sanctuary.  Fr. Jim kindly brought me up to speed, letting me know that the circular design has been in place for many years.  I was only in the church, St. Barnabas Episcopal Church, once before the remodel, and that was for a funeral.  When I was there for the funeral, I was sad and crying and preoccupied with concern for the bereaved family.  My brain simply did not record the fact that there was a circular communion rail.  So, some years later, my brain simply made it up that the communion rail became circular during the remodel finished this year.  In this case, no harm done.

Occasionally, someone’s brain fills in blanks with assumptions about us, where there are no facts, or the facts are the opposite of the resulting assumptions.  In this kind of case, great harm can result.  One year, I went to a New Year’s Eve singles party with a group of single friends.  I drink very little, because alcohol makes me tired.  So I had only had 2 sips of champagne at midnight, enjoying the ritual of welcoming in the New Year.  Otherwise, I drank water all evening; we also danced for hours.  I felt great.  One friend got so drunk that at 12:15 am, the rest of us, all 6, walked her to her car and repeatedly offered, in different ways, to drive her home.  Oddly, the drunk friend kept inquiring if each of us was okay to drive.  In the course of our extended conversation, trying to convince her to let us drive her home, she turned her concern to me; I replied that, no, I was fine, I had had only had 2 sips of champagne.  The next day, I received a 6-minute voicemail from the previous night’s drunk friend, condemning me for drinking so heavily!  In serious and angry tones, her rant let me know how low a human I was.  She said if I wanted to abuse my body by drinking heavily and hurting my brain and liver, that was one thing.  However, she said- now in passionately angry tones- that if I wanted to drink heavily like that and then drive, that was another thing and inexcusable behavior!  I tried to talk with her, but she was completely committed to the idea that I was the drunk and dangerous one.  I gave up my friendship with her.  Several years later, she decided I had gotten over my Problem and let me know she had forgiven me!  I still avoid her.  Her assumptions consumed our relationship.

What do you believe about people and situations?  How much of your belief system about each friend or colleague is based on fact, and how much on imagination?  If you are disturbed by someone’s behavior, is your discomfort based on actual interaction?  Or is it based on your ideas about why they said and did what they said and did?  When you are frustrated by a situation, try writing down what you actually know, what you guess, and what came from rumors.  Eliminate the conjecture for a clearer picture, and try starting fresh.  Will you let assuming consume you?  It’s up to you.

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Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.

© 2011 Kebba Buckley Button.  World Rights Reserved.

In the USA, “The Holidays” broadly means the entire season from before Thanksgiving to after Christmas and New Year’s Day.  This season sweeps through Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, HumanLight, and Ramadan, with Boxing Day on December 26th. This year, The Holidays seemed to start before Halloween: I saw my first red- and green-labeled carton of eggnog around October 25.  In this country’s popular culture, The Holidays are supposed to be a happy, bustling time when people love to buy gifts, decorate seasonally, have large gatherings, play and sing seasonal music, and eat and drink copious quantities of rich and sweet foods.  Yet many feel mildly- to completely stressed during this time.  If you are one of those who get stressed, these tips are for you.

First, simplify.  It’s important to realize The Holiday Season now reaches over almost a 3-month period, so you need a strategy other than trying to ignore it.  What plan have you used for previous holiday seasons?  Write down everything you usually expect from yourself, such as:  buy seasonal candy, put it in seasonal candy dishes in home and office, buy cards and mail, buy gifts for 10 relatives and take or ship, attend 4 parties with special appetizers you made, attend 2 holiday concerts or dance performances, attend 2 on-holiday family dinners, take the kids for a carriage ride around Kierland or Central Park, take holiday photos, post all those activities on FaceBook, feed the homeless at St. Vincent de Paul on Christmas Day, buy larger pants in New Year’s sales.  Whew!  Did you feel energized, or did you feel tired and worn after reading this list?  Now that you have written it all down, try cutting those expectations and events by half.  Now order the gifts and have them shipped.  Use a card service to get the cards out, or email your good wishes, or skip the cards altogether this year.  Take the photos with your phone or your kid’s phone, and post them and your holiday wishes on FaceBook.

Second, take timeouts.  Even if you cut your expectations of yourself, there is a lot of busy activity around you, wherever you go.  It’s a very stimulating time of year, and now it’s a quarter of the year.  It’s like the anti-vacation.  So you need microvacations to see you through.  Take quiet moments in a still area of your home.  Exhale and drop your shoulders, imagining quiet energy moving from your head down to your toes; picture your cells holding onto that quiet.  If you enjoy praying or meditating, take time for those regularly, giving them your full attention.  If you like to read fiction, take two hours at a time to get totally involved in a good novel.  Practice totally letting go of the hustle and bustle around you.

Third, give your body extra support.   Drink extra water between holiday beverages.  Eat fresh fruit, vegetables, and lean protein whenever you have the option; these will strengthen you between sweet and rich holiday meals.  Add ginger to your chicken soup to counter the effects of sugar.  If you can nap, take naps.  Different lengths of naps work for different people, but research has shown that naps as short as 20 minutes can totally refresh you.  Create time to walk, hike, or work out, to flush the toxins and clear your mind.

Fourth, enjoy what nurtures you.  Whatever there is about The Holidays that fills you, uplifts you, or restores you, keep those pieces.  If spending a day with Grandma makes you feel great, be sure to spend a day with Grandma.  If Skyping with your niece or grandchild leaves you joyful all day, make time to be fully present for that.  If walking alone in the snow, or attending Midnight Mass, or journaling, or practicing your guitar, leaves you feeling calm and happy, make those priorities.

Take these tips to heart, and you will beat stress during The Holidays.  Remember, it’s your life, and you are always at choice.  Will you choose to take care of yourself during this season?  It’s up to you.

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Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com.

Some days, it’s easy to get too much news.  Local news tells us how many people had home invasions, drive-by shootings, violent attacks, house fires and financial violence by fraud.  National news tells us how bad the backgrounds of key candidates are, how many lost their homes in natural disasters, and how unbalanced the national budget is.  International news tells us countless stories of unrest, famine, oppression, and war in many countries.  How do you feel after taking in a half hour of such news?  Probably not joyful and energized.  Don’t you feel stressed, concerned, possibly discouraged?

According to A. C. Neilson Company, the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV per day.  The Pew Research Center says 40% of Americans regularly watch their local broadcast news.  Thirty-eight percent are regularly watching cable news and 34% regularly watch the news on the three major broadcast networks.

How much bad news are you taking in?  And how stressed is it making you feel?  Dr. Andrew Weil is a famed integrative medical doctor and author.  He recommends, for overall stress reduction, that we all take a “media break” or “news fast” as much as possible, for week.  Dr. Weil says research shows that emotional content of news can bring moods down and increase sadness and depression.  Why not try a news fast, and find out how you feel?

You can also use good news to lift your spirits and metabolism.  I recently got a personal example of this effect.  On August 11, 2011, the Arizona Republic ran a 3-sentence news item, enticingly entitled “Navy Destroyer is Now Serving as Artificial Reef”.  I got very excited about this.  I love good news, and here was a story of both repurposing a giant structure and helping the world’s degrading reefs and related biosystems.  My face broke into a huge smile, my head bent closer to the paper, and my heart was racing.  The article reported the 563-foot destroyer was now sunk “in a spot in the Del-Jersey-Land reef created by Delaware, Maryland and New Jersey.”  (Hey, if you were the Navy, where would you store a huge ship that could no longer serve afloat?) Since I spent my public school years in Delaware, I was pleasantly jolted to hear there was now a tri-state effort to rebuild the reefs and protect the coasts.  I copied the whole 3-sentence article into email and sent it to my mother and my sister, who also spent a lot of time in Delaware.

There ensued a merry exchange.  My sister started searching “artificial reef photos” and came up with some extremely beautiful scenes.  One example collection is at http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/02/artificial-reefs/doubilet-photography.  I kept thinking about the metal-eating bacteria that are breaking down the Titanic hull.  Experts have said we need to study the Titanic now, while it still exists.  Perhaps the coral and similar sea life could be enticed to build up new structures before the metal of the ship-cum-reef breaks down.  Following the search links, we discovered that a creature called a “soap fish” now makes its home in one reef, in what was once the barrel of a military tank’s gun.  We also discovered there are reef-loving fish called “tasselated blennies”.  Glad I’m only human.  Can you imagine that fish introducing itself at parties?

While you may not find this particular item fascinating, how did you feel while reading it?  Did you feel different than you felt when reading about the last airline disaster or the search for Muammar Gaddafi?  Were you aware of feeling pleased, or even less stressed?

Given that we often hear or see news of world wildlife populations being endangered, how would you feel if you read of a turnaround?  Would you feel encouraged?  Would you feel happy?  Listen to your system as you read about this item, also from August:  Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs have doubled in population in the last 2 years, since they were at a critical low population, and the government banned fishing them.  While they are still down 25% from the measured population a few years ago, they are on a definite upswing.  A further rise will permit a return to some level of crabbing again.

If too much news is stressing you out, why not try reducing the amount you take in?  If you love the morning newspaper, why not try reading the entertainment news and comics first, then only scanning the headlines?  Notice your stress level going down and your happiness level going up.   The news will wait.  Your life doesn’t have to.

Reach the writer at kebba@kebba.com .